The only problem is that now that we’re talking about children he’s realized that he would like all of us to have the same last name for the kids, so we’re going to have a big debate up ahead. I’m trying to convince him to have use keep our names and go with the Spanish way of naming for the kids, but his immediate family dropped that custom when they came to America, so he doesn’t feel a lot of connection to it. So who knows what we’ll do?

I don’t think women who change their last names or name their kids after the father are “traitors to feminism” or whatever, but I would like to see more men changing their names or be totally comfortable with their children having the mother’s name instead of viewing it as a way for her to separate them. It seems like men who have names they don’t like or are awkward just change them to something they like when they hit 18 or whenever, while women just wait until they get married to change it to something they don’t like a whole lot better. That’s really not fair, or logical.

I ask women why they change their last name. They tell me “it’s just easier”. It’s not. How easy is it changing the name on everything from your driver’s licence to your library card? It’s not.

I’ve never had a reasonable answer to that question when I ask it, either.

It’s easier because you don’t spend every encounter with bureaucracy trying to prove that you really are married even though you don’t have the same last name.

My husband’s former boss ended up changing her last name to her husband’s because every time she traveled internationally, she had to spend an hour explaining to Customs & Immigration when she returned to the States that she really was married to the man who claimed to be her husband even though they had different last names. It may not seem like a big deal to you to have to spend an hour twice a year trying to convince Customs that your green card is not a forgery and you really are married and they shouldn’t throw you in detention and deport you, but she thought it was, especially after 9/11.

As for giving your children your last name instead of your husband’s, be prepared for people to ask you forever after where the kids’ real father is, because a guy who has a different last name must be their stepfather. Not to mention having to explain to security at the airport that, yes, he really is their father and not a child abductor even though he has a different last name.

And I say all of this as someone who did keep her own last name after getting married. I’m going to keep it as long as I can, but if it gets to the point where (as, again, happened to someone I know), I have to explain to the health insurance company after each and every appointment that, yes, I’m covered by my husband’s health insurance and we really are married even though we have different last names, I’ll change it. Because if it’s a choice between principle and having health coverage, sorry, I have to choose health coverage.

Like Amanda, I don’t fault the women who do this — many of whom I consider strong feminists whom I respect. We all have to pick our battles, and many of us choose different battles than others.

In contrast, your birth name, which is most likely the product of patriarchal naming choices, also comes to be associated with YOU as an individual.

I’m having some difficulty with a point you make in your thoughts at length:

The defences were, well, defensive. “Well it’s just your father’s surname anyway.” No, it’s not. It’s mine. I was born with it. And if you follow that argument through, then you are not changing your surname to your husband’s but to your father in-law’s.

My difficulty is this: None of us were born with a name. We were given names by our parents: first name(s) that our parents liked because they were cool, because they were fashionable (or deliberately not), or because they carried family heritage and so on; and surnames.

I’m guessing that most of us reading this post were given our father’s surname. Could be wrong, but I think not. Why? As opposed to being given our mother’s “maiden” surname, that is.

Possible reasons: our mothers had not kept their own surnames; our parents wanted us to have our father’s surname; it was “easier”; it identified us as part of the family led by our parents …. all of which are just as patriarchal as the reasons condemned above for a woman taking her husband’s surname when she marries. I think this may be the point kate217 was making.

This has got me thinking about just how much of our identity is tied up in our names. Not at the level of does every Daphne want to escape Apollo’s attentions? or is every Christian a Christian? or would a song by Gordon Sumner sell better than one by a guy named Sting?

But this: how much of what people know of me is associated with the name I use now, or the name my parents gave me? And does it matter?

Your thoughts?