Lonely? Ugly? How about moving to copper-silver-zinc mining town, Mt Isa? (Shhh, don’t mention the heavy metals.)
Remember John Molony? He’s the mayor who said that Indigenous people were the “wrong sort of people” for Mount Isa, and demanded that the Federal Government step in, bring security guards, and forcibly bus them back to the Northern Territory.
Here’s his latest.
A severe female drought has gripped Mount Isa, but Mayor John Molony thinks he has the answer: ugly girls.
“Drought, folks. You’re a scarce natural resource in need of management, not, y’know, actual humans.”
Men outnumber women at a ratio of about five to one in the testosterone town and the female famine is taking its toll on young blokes.
But the quick-thinking mayor suggested these could be the perfect conditions for “ugly ducklings” to flourish into beautiful swans and find true happiness in the Isa.
“Check out my big swinging Messiah complex, girlies! (p.s. Women need not apply. We need ‘em young.)”
“May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa,” Cr Molony said. “Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness.
“And it’s not possible that she has just read a good book, or beaten her personal best on a videogame, or run a marathon, or had a phone call from her best friend, or completed a postgraduate degree by correspondence, or played with a kitten, or heard that she’s just got a plum job in the Big Smoke. No, if she’s smiling, there must be an Almighty Penis involved!”
“Often those who are beauty-disadvantaged are uphappy with their lot. Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa where happiness awaits.
“Because if we think you’re ugly, you’re clearly sexless, shunned, and unhappy. Our solution: we will fuck you till you can’t wipe the grin off your face. Come, come, join us!”
Builder Paul Woodlands, 25, said the pay for jobs traditionally filled by women did not seem to match what the blokes could earn and there was little incentive for women to stay in the remote town.
“I know a few women who have come out here to do hairdressing, but they left to go back to the coast because the pay was bad and there’s not much to do,” Mr Woodlands said.
Impressive. A bloke actually acknowledges the unequal pay problem. A cookie for you, Paul Woodlands.
“I think if they improved wages for those types of jobs, it might help. There’s definitely a lack of beautiful women, blokes are not as picky – you take what you can get.”
Drop that cookie, young man! You’re talking about human relationships, not picking over the last remnants in an op-shop Sale bin.
Grant Rollings, 26, dubbed the Isa “the beer goggle” capital of Australia. He said blokes were far less choosy when it came to women, because they were few and far between.
“There’s no chance I’ll fuck you sober, or treat you like a human. It’ll take a good few beers to make you more attractive to me than the blow-up doll or the neighbour’s sheep. You understand, right? This poor old penis of mine just can’t be expected get into the game for an ugly chick unless I’m stoned off my nana. Par for the course, laydees. In fact, I’ve got a few Jim Beams under my belt right now – come and get it while it’s hot! Wokka wokka wokka! *fart* *burp* Grrrrr!”
Electrician Paul McDonald said his mates warned him not to bring his girlfriend to the Isa as she would become prey to the men.
“Well, you understand that with a few beers under our belt, when the ugly chicks start looking a little hotter through the haze, we can’t be expected to engage in social niceties like having conversations or looking for mutual assent? Y’all have those confusing shrill voices anyhow, and no means yes, and can’t we just cut to the chase? This chase. Yeah. I’m fit, lady, I can run faster than you. Do you want to make me do that? Don’t make me do that.”
Fly-in, fly-out miner Luke Eastgate, 22, hinted that while there were women around, many were not the type to take home to meet your mother.
Who is he referring to here? Women he interprets as sluts? Women who work in “masculine” jobs? Perhaps women who drink and swear? Am I the only one who has a sneaking suspicion that he’s referring to Aboriginal women?
“There are a small number of professionals, like school teachers and nurses, but it’s more of an open set-up, it’s difficult to find a girlfriend in this town and keep her.”
And I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with you representing yourselves as sexist, predatory oxygen thieves. Here’s a tip: you might attract women by saying something other than “We’re willing to get drunk and fuck”.
Ousting Molony might be a start.
Mount Isa. Even the cars wish the earth would rise up and swallow them.