The Twilight Before Christmas

Bella (or a facsimile thereof) is standing in a Pacific Northwest forest. There is mood music playing. The camera pans, moodily.

Bella: “You’re impossibly fat. And merry. Your cheeks are *sigh/gasp* rosy red. I know what you are.”

[close-up on a man's eyes]

Man: “Say it.”

[camera pans up through pine trees. The sun is filtering through. Moody music is moody.]

Man [slightly wider shot, we can see his brown moustache and part of his beard]: “Out loud.”

[Camera pans through the woods, a little faster than before.]

Man: [more urgently] “Say it. ”

[Wider shot. Bella is standing looking into the distance. The man, in a Santa suit, stands behind her, looking at her longingly and moodily.]

Bella: [longingly, still looking away into the distance] “Santa.”

[Santa grabs her shoulders and turns her around to look at him. Moody music is moody.]

Santa: “Ask me the most basic question. What do I eat?”

Bella: “Milk. And cookies.”

Santa [intensely]: “Have you been bad this year?”

Bella {looking a little panicky]: “No.”

[Flash to flashback sequence: Bella is looking at a tableau with a handmade sign reading "Jen's Twilight Book Report". Bella angrily sweeps the tableau off the table, and flattens the sign.]

Bella: “I’ve been naughty.”

[Santa looks down, huffs theatrically, starts pacing away. Bella follows him. He leaps into the air, whooshily, then slams down again, panting hard.]

Santa: [gazing off into the distance, anguished] “I’m a giver.”

Bella: [impassioned] “I don’t believe that.”

Santa: “Because you believe the lie. The camouflage.” [turns to look at Bella, yearningly] “I am the world’s most dangerous jolly old elf. Everything about me invites you in.” [self-loathingly] “My beard. My belly. My red suit. Even my three Hos.” [grabs Bella's arm] “You have to see why I only come out at night.”

[They speed off, inhumanly fast. Bella rides piggy-back style. Whooshing noises and superhero music. Santa finds a sunbeam, stands in it, and opens his red jacket. Magical sparkly fairy noises. He now has a big white beard, moustache, and hair.]

Santa: “This. Is what. I really am.”

Bella: “You’re beautiful. Could you please button your jacket?”

[Pan through forest. Bella is leaning with her back against a tree, Santa leaning up against her.]

Santa: “I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me what you want for Christmas.” [Santa leans in further, compressing Bella.]

Bella: “Ugh – Can’t – Breath – ” [choking noises]

[Camera pans up. Forest. Sunbeams. Mood music.]

[Santa and Bella are lying on the grass. Bella is feeding Santa a gingerbread cookie. Santa closes his eyes and moans in ecstasy.]

Santa: “I’ll be going now.”

Bella: [sits up, shocked] “What? N – Are you serious? No! No!! I don- I don’t even understand what you’re saying! Are you even – is that even English? You – ” [makes unintelligible noises]

Santa: [long-sufferingly] “OK, OK. I’ll stay.”

Bella: “You just can’t leave without giving me a present.”

[Santa pulls a present out of his sack. Bella smiles and opens it. Camera pans up to sunbeam.]