Marry, Shag or Cliff? Hogwarts villains edition

by tigtog on July 19, 2009

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Remember the rules: you have to choose one of each of the three below to match each fate. No skipping any.

(L-R) Barty Crouch Jr, Prof. Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy

Would you bonk Barty? Snog Snape? get lascivious with Lucius?

Or is it marry Malfoy? Espouse Severus? Conjugals with Crouch?

And which would you toss off a cliff?

ETA – By popular demand:

(L-R) Dolores Umbridge, Bellatrix Lestrange, Rita Skeeter

So will you suck face with Skeeter? Bump booty with Bellatrix? Defenestrate Dolores?

What would you do?

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Tagged as: gratuitous ogling, harry potter, hogwarts, marry shag or cliff?, marry/shag/cliff

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This article was written by tigtog

tigtog (aka Viv) lives in Sydney, Australia: husband, 2 kids, cat, house, garden, just enough wine-racks and (sigh) far too few bookshelves. Viv web-wrangles for hire and edits Gagging For It (Oz Comedy News). tigtog is the founder of Hoyden About Town and Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog.

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{ 25 comments }

1 Beppie July 19, 2009 at 4:56 pm: Well, assuming we’re talking about the movie!verse characters — I’ll marry Snape, because I’m sure we’d have a great time talking about what a prat Harry is most of the time. I’ll shag Barty, because OMG, he looks just like David Tennant! :P And I’ll cliff Lucius because he doesn’t really do it for me.
2 balneus.wordpress.com/ July 19, 2009 at 5:28 pm: Oh no! Is Snape a villain in Half-Blood, a traitor to the Order of the Phoenix? Should their have been a spoiler alert?
* And there is also the alternative for those inclined to choose all three for the one: Marry/Snog, wait for the rewrite of a will making you the major beneficiary, and THEN throw off a cliff, in which case, the best option is to do all three to all three
* Perhaps there should be another rule…. no cheating with polyjuice potion
3 tigtog July 19, 2009 at 6:11 pm: Dave, I’m not doing a spoiler alert on plot-lines in books that came out 4 years ago.

Snape’s villain status is complicated. If it comforts you any, Harry’s always thought Snape was a villain, so you can look at it like that.
4 lilacsigil July 19, 2009 at 8:35 pm: Well, two of them would kill me for being a Muggle, so I’d better do them in first, which leaves me with Snape. Bugger.
5 aphrodite.dreamwidth.org/ July 19, 2009 at 8:46 pm: Well, I’d marry Snape just to hear that VOICE for the rest of our years…

I’ve ummed and erred over the other two, but truthfully the white-blonde thing has really never done it for me, so I’d chuck Lucius off the cliff, and enjoy a wild night of passion with Barty (before he ran off, cackling, with a duck on his head, I’m sure).
6 Jodes July 19, 2009 at 9:09 pm: Marry Snape, because I love the uber-serious chaps (and giving them a good ribbing for it) and HIS VOICE. Shag Lucious, if I must, and whomever that other one is, toss off the cliff.
7 fuckpoliteness July 19, 2009 at 9:39 pm: Lucius gives me the creeps just looking at him. He’s such a one dimensional baddie, but the obnoxious condescendsion, the total love of evil and yes that white blond long hair combined with the sneer mean I’d want to chuck him off a cliff. While David Tenant is shag-able, I couldn’t shag a crazy evil worshipper with a weird tongue-twitch. Or could I? Ahem. And I think Snape is possibly the most marriageable even though Undecided Overall Villain Status to one side he’s an unhinged grudge-holder. And Aphrodite @ 5, don’t you think it would drive you batty after a while when he was taking a full five arch minutes to say things like ‘Could you…PASSsss…the…BUTTERrrr…….PLEeeeeASE???’
8 Deborah July 19, 2009 at 10:08 pm: You see, I’m one of the two people in the world who has neither read the books nor seen the movies. The other one is my husband. I had planned to read the books with my daughter, but she has been adamant in her refusal. “Everyone reads those,” she said, “so I’m not going to.” She has however, watched some of the movies. So I will just say that anything that has me listening to Alan Rickman’s voice will do. It’s Snape for marrying, and I really don’t care about the others.

And, Rickman for Smaug!
9 lil sis July 19, 2009 at 10:10 pm: fuckpoliteness; “I couldn’t shag a crazy evil worshipper with a weird tongue-twitch. Or could I?” if he looks like david tennant? I COULD I COULD! >:)
snape isn’t really evil, plus he could make me up some wicked potion funtimes so i’d totally marry him. lucious to the cliff!
10 Astraea July 20, 2009 at 12:14 am: Why so male centric? can I have Bellatrix? ;)

I’d like Lucius and Barty to snog each other please. And I’d totally marry Snape.
11 xxblaze.wordpress.com/ July 20, 2009 at 6:20 am: I’m going to be boring as go with the majority here: shag Crouch, marry Snape, and cliff Lucius.

But echoing Astraea: why so male-centric? I’d happily shag Tonks or Bellatrix.
12 tigtog July 20, 2009 at 7:53 am: OK, I get the hint: there’s now a panel of villainesses to choose from.

I would marry Umbridge because her organisational compulsiveness and sycophancy would further my political career :)
Shag Bellatrix because it would be wild
Cliff Rita – even when played by the divine Miranda Richardson, I can’t stand her
13 fuckpoliteness July 20, 2009 at 7:56 am: Ooh, I’d like to shag the spunky witch who first taught the kids to fly, to marry professor sprout cos she’s played by the wonderful Miriam Margolyse, and cliff Umbridge cos GAARGH!!! That’s much more satisfying!
14 Astraea July 20, 2009 at 8:22 am: Yay! Cliff Umbridge, definitely. And shag Bellatrix. I think I’d cliff Rita, too.
15 aphrodite.dreamwidth.org/ July 20, 2009 at 10:11 am: FP, meals would take ages, but I’d get to enjoy them in aural luxury. ;)

And I’d marry Bellatrix, shag Rita and cliff Professor Umbridge. Bellatrix may be the Death Eater and Rita’s ethics dodgy, but I think nobody can outdo Dolores for sheer creepy and Evil.
16 fuckpoliteness July 20, 2009 at 10:48 am: Does anyone else find the change in Bellatrix from book to movie annoying? As much as I love Helena Bonham-Carter I always pictured her tall and regal, all cold dark vindictive menace rather than wiry and batshit and totally unfocussed in her evil and there’s something annoying there in the move from cold fury and evil competence to manic and sort of willy-nilly violence, like a woman can’t be just fury and calculation and vicious enjoyment in the same way as a male villain, she has to be seen as nutty.
17 hellonhairylegs July 20, 2009 at 12:12 pm: Shag Bellatrix, Marry Rita and Cliff Umbridge. Bellatrix, especially in the books, is really quite attractive, Rita is interesting and redeemable and Umbridge is a symbol of bureaucracy.
18 su July 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm: Who’d have thought Snape would be so eligible? I’d marry him too, shag Malfoy for a dare and cliff Barty. I adored Umbridge’s character, I felt genuinely menaced by all those kitties she was truly deranged, so I’ll marry her, shag Bellatrix and cliff the delightful Skeeter.
19 su July 20, 2009 at 1:41 pm: Oops Invisibul “&” after kitties. Comment anxiety does terrible things to my proof- reading skillz.
20 shinynewcoin.wordpress.com/ July 20, 2009 at 3:32 pm: I must have missed a film or two (haven’t read any of the novels), the only villainess I recognise is Skeeter, who I’d gladly cliff. I’d shag Bellatrix because of her remarkable resemblance to Helena Bonham Carter. So I suppose I’d be left marrying Umbrage, who I’ve never heard of before but she does have a simply *delightful* name.

As for the villians I’m going with the majority: cliff Malfoy (more than once if possible), shag Barty, marry Snape (who I remain convinced is one of the best things about the whole series).
21 DeusExMacintosh July 20, 2009 at 6:13 pm: Well I love the white-blonde thing so it’d be marry Malfoy, shag Snape (if only to cheer the poor bugger up for once) and cliff Crouch.
22 hellonhairylegs July 20, 2009 at 7:13 pm: @shinynewcoin I would like to cliff Malfoy (more than one!) more than once as well, but the thought of shagging or marrying Snape makes me vomit in my mouth.
23 shinynewcoin.wordpress.com/ July 20, 2009 at 9:42 pm: @hellonhairylegs Really? Isn’t that funny, every time Allan Rickman is on screen I get a little evil squee. Especially when he’s being, you know, evil :)
24 SunlessNick July 21, 2009 at 1:13 am: The men, I guess I’d go with prevailing vote.

The women… Rita is annoying, but she doesn’t really deserve to die. Bellatrix does, technically more than Umbridge – though I rather get the impression Bellatrix is insane, while Umbridge is full on banality-of-evil – which I find more despicable. So cliff Umbridge, shag Bellatrix, and marry Rita.

I must have missed a film or two (haven’t read any of the novels), the only villainess I recognise is Skeeter, who I’d gladly cliff.

Bellatrix and Umbridge are introduced in Order of the Phoenix. Umbridge is from the Ministry of Magic – kind of a school inspector, and tried to take over Hogwarts – she’s so saccharine in demeanour that even the sugar in her tea is pink (though she has some nice kitten plates) – but underneath, she’s rotten to the core. Bellatrix is a death eater – sister or cousin (can’t remember) of Sirius Black and sister-in-law of Lucius Malfoy – she’s deranged.
25 calyx July 25, 2009 at 11:11 pm: Uhh errr what difficult choices.

Marry Snape I guess. He’s snarky. Shag Barty I guess, put that tongue to good use. And definitely cliff Malfoy Snr, ugh.

As for the women… well, cliff Umbridge, definitely. I think I could reform Skeeter, so marry. Shag Bellatrix, but I wouldn’t want to stick around in the morning.

And fuckpoliteness, I really agree with your observation about evil women having to be crazy. The idea of sane (and hence efficient and maybe ultimately successful) evil women is obviously just too scary ~~for the menz~~ to cope with.