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tigtog (aka Viv) is the founder of this blog. She lives in Sydney, Australia: husband, 2 kids, cat, house, garden, just enough wine-racks and (sigh) far too few bookshelves.

This author has written 3441 posts for Hoyden About Town. Read more about tigtog »

3 responses to “Quicklink: Harmful Communication Series”

  1. Anon for Xmas

    *sigh*

    To be honest, this year I’m just going to ignore it if I hear someone making homophobic/racist/etc comments, because even calling it out in a manner that is light-hearted and friendly makes the situation worse, not better. It doesn’t matter how well you explain why intent isn’t magic or why “you shouldn’t feel that way” is a problem. In my experience, trying to counteract people saying *ist stuff only makes the problem worse — they realise that it annoys you, and therefore make a deliberate effort to engage in that behaviour more, rather than less. And then you get the blame for ruining the event.

    I know it makes me a bad ally, but I can’t do it anymore.

  2. Thacky

    I saw the realisation dawning in the eyes of my slim colleague this week as she went on and on about how fat she was looking (she’s 3 months pregnant). I just listened, making ‘nothing to worry about’ noises until she suddenly looked at my very large body sitting next to hers and said ‘Oh – I didn’t mean [that being fat is the worst!]‘ and fell silent.

    I am so happy that I am reasonably at peace (on good days) with my size and I DON’T think being fat is the worst, so I just hoped she might think before she speaks like that again.

    I don’t have the same zen when my mother plays the ‘I’m just worried about you’ card, but… babysteps.

  3. Anon for Xmas

    Just a disclaimer regarding my previous comment — the people with whom I’ll be spending Christmas are generally very pro-equality for all people, and they’re generally disgusted by bigotry, etc. But there are a few areas in which they’re not terribly self-reflexive, and I suspect they react badly to the idea that they sometimes do *ist things, because they are broadly committed to the ideal that such things are wrong. I don’t want to make out that they’re horrible people or anything, because they’re not.

    Edited to fix my wording, and also to make comment anon

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