Article written by :: (RSS)

Mindy is trying to think deep thoughts but keeps getting... oooh shiny thing!

This author has written 321 posts for Hoyden About Town. Read more about Mindy »

10 responses to “Quick Hit: Different desires”

  1. orlando

    Let’s dooo the tiiime waarp agaiiiiiin!

  2. Mortisha

    Which ties in interestingly with this article
    Most Women Would Rather Divorce Than Be a Housewife.

  3. angharad

    Because you will die without food and get sick in a dirty house, but no sex will just make you a bit tetchy?

  4. The Amazing Kim

    there is a general understanding that they will work, entertain, cook, clean the house, look after the kids and have sex.
    Well maybe people should recognise and actually talk to each other about these assumptions rather than assume everyone has the same expectations that they do. A “general understanding” is going to be different for everyone.

  5. MissPrism

    Ooh, this absolutely boils my blood. It’s so terrible, and so telling about our culture’s godawful attitudes, in so many ways. Thanks for this insightful post!

    I almost admire the brutal honesty in how sex is explicitly listed as a chore. You’re not meant to enjoy chores, you just have to do them. I also don’t see mowing the lawn or taking the rubbish out or even earning a wage packet on that list – no, this is a list of women’s chores. Which they are supposed to do for men, not for fun.

    But more alarmingly, not doing the washing causes a problem for everyone who lives in the house. If one partner wants more sex than the other, there is a problem whether they have sex or not: either someone is frustrated, which is upsetting, or someone is being coerced into sex they don’t want and the other partner doesn’t even care – which unless you are a terrible person is very obviously far, far worse.

    Thirdly, you know who often does simply refuse to clean the house or do childcare? Men.

    And lastly – this constant focus on the poor men and their nasty withholding wives is so, so poisonous and upsetting if you have the higher libido and you are a woman (a situation I’ve been in more than once). If you’re a man whose wife stops desiring you, I’m sure it hurts a lot, but at least your perspective gets aired frequently and sympathetically, and you have a century’s worth of shitty jokes and stereotypes to back you up about how ladies are all frigid really and once they’ve snared you they’d rather do the ironing. Frustrated wife, though? Tough shit, and you really must be yeti-ugly.

  6. Sarah

    I wonder if in these heterosexual partnerships, if the male partner was really sharing the house and caring work, if the partners’ levels of sexual desire would start be more similar?

  7. angharad

    I have seen a statistic (once again one of those things I have squirreled away in my brain and completely failed to note any source), which goes something like men will orgasm in 97% of sexual encounters and women in 50%. I often wonder if this is another contributor to this ‘women won’t do sex’ idea. I mean, if you’re tired and there’s not much chance that you’ll come then why bother? On the other hand, if you are more or less guaranteed of a stress-busting, mind-blowing good time then that’s a bit more incentive.

  8. Aqua, of the Questioners

    Angharad: I wonder if you’re onto something there. It occurs to me that my interest in sex correlates somewhat with how regularly and easily I’ve managed to orgasm the most recent times I’ve had sex.

    [Continuing the heteronormative one man - one women relationship pattern I am personally most familiar with.]
    Unfortunately, this then ties into cultural myths about how men are supposed to be “good lovers” who give their partners orgasms, when whether or not you have one can depend on a lot of stuff like physical health, stress levels, medication, etc. So it can be hard to talk about not wanting sex because you’re not having orgasms without it being taken as a criticism of your partner.

  9. angharad

    Aqua – absolutely. And I’d suggest that pressure probably comes back a bit on the woman too (eg ‘if I don’t seem to be having a good time, he will feel bad’). I think it’s a slightly less damaging stereotype than the old ‘lie back and think of England’ women just aren’t interested one, and probably one more easily fixed by communication.

    And just to clarify, I certainly also think the whole housework thing has a part to play too. Who wants to sleep with someone who sees you more as their mother than their partner?

  10. Mindy

    I didn’t feel like he saw me as his mother, but it certainly felt like I had an extra kid to look after. Once I managed to articulate that things changed pretty quickly. Still not perfect but much better.

The commenting period has expired for this post. If you wish to re-open the discussion, please do so in the latest Open Thread.