A sketch from this week’s Inside Amy Schumer: Amy stumbles upon a group of her show-business heroes celebrating a rite of passage – for one of them this is her Last F**kable Day (scroll down for transcript).
Beware the YouTube comments – they contain the usual level of fail.
The scene opens with Amy Schumer going for a hike and stumbling upon Tina Fey, Rosanna Arquette and Julia Louis-Dreyfus dining in a meadow. Amazed, she tentatively approaches their elegantly appointed picnic table.
Fey: Hi. Are you lost?
Schumer: Um, I’m sorry. I just– I love all of you, I can’t– (laughing) I can’t believe you’re here. You’re, like, literally my heroes.
Louis-Dreyfus: God, you look familiar. Are you that girl from the television who talks about her pussy all the time?
Schumer: Yes! That– Yes, thank you.
Arquette: How fun. Well, come sit.
Fey: Please. (all laughing)
Louis-Dreyfus: Come on. Yeah. Come talk about your pussy over here. (Amy giggling, comes over and admires the lavish spread)
Schumer: Is it– Is it someone’s birthday or–
Arquette: Oh. Kind of the opposite. We’re celebrating Julia’s last fuckable day.
Louis-Dreyfus:: Yes, salud. Woo! Woohoo! (they all raise and clink glasses, then drink wine)
Schumer: Um, I’m sorry, did you say Julia’s last fuckable day?
Fey: Mm-hmm. (throughout the following scene the three older women are drinking and eating from the picnic spread with great appetite and enjoyment, Schumer is trying to emulate them but obviously feels less comfortable)
Schumer: What is that?
Louis-Dreyfus: In every actress’ life, the media decides when you finally reach the point where you’re not believably fuckable anymore.
Schumer: But– I mean, how do you know? Who tells you?
Fey: Well, nobody– Nobody really overtly tells you, Right. But there are signs. You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks’ love interest in “Punchline” and then, like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom in “Forest Gump”?
Arquette: Or you might get offered a romcom with Jack Nicholson where you’re competing with another woman to fuck him. (drinks) I just had an audition for Mrs. Claus.
Louis-Dreyfus: You’re kidding me. I read for that part.
Fey: I read for that, too.
Louis-Dreyfus: You did?
Louis-Dreyfus: Hey, who got that?
Louis-Dreyfus: (gasping) Oh, she’ll be good.
Arquette: (nodding) She’s gonna be really good.
Fey: (nodding) Really good.
Louis-Dreyfus: Or you go to a movie set, you go to wardrobe and the only thing they have for you to wear are long sweaters, like cover you up head to toe kind of thing.
Fey: Right, or, like, the poster for your movie is just, like, a picture of a kitchen.
Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. With these very uplifting and yet vague titles, like, “Whatever It Takes” or “She Means Well.” That kind of thing, right?
Arquette: Another common sign is when they start remaking your best movies with younger, more fuckable actresses. I guess they’re making “Boyhood” with Selena Gomez in my part.
Fey: That’s gonna make a lot of money.
Schumer: I don’t understand. You’re all so fuckable.
Louis-Dreyfus: Like, believe me, no one was more surprised than me that they let me stay fuckable throughout my 40s and the fact that it continued into my 50s. This was just like…(Fey claps her) thanks, but… I thought that US Weekly had made some sort of a clerical error or something.
Fey: Tell me about it. If you shoot a sex scene the night before your birthday, everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it before midnight, ’cause they think your vagina is gonna turn into a hermit crab.
Schumer: Well, is there anything you can do to delay it?
Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I mean, you can try, but it only makes it worse, like those Real Housewives. They try to look young, but then they end up looking like a purse that melted in a car accident.
Fey: Yeah. They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand. (holds hand up in a fist and mimes painting a face around the thumb)
Shumer: But what about men? Like, who tells men when it’s their last fuckable day?
(all three older women laughing)
Arquette: Honey, men don’t have that day.
Fey: Well, they’re fuckable forever. They could be 100 and, like, nothing but white spiders coming out (obscene hand gesture), but they’re fuckable.
Arquette: I didn’t get this commercial last week for AARP because the director said I was too old to play Larry King’s wife. (Schumer looks shocked)
Fey: I heard that Bruce Willis just got engaged to a girl who is 24 years younger than him and I heard that she’s an actual baby lamb.
Louis-Dreyfus: What? Really?
Fey: (waves hand dismissively) Mm, Google it.
Schumer: So, wait, are you guys, like, bummed at all?
Louis-Dreyfus: What? No. Are you kidding me? (the others nod) I’m thrilled. Ecstatic. I mean, I don’t have to deal with this (indicates her body), maintaining this anymore. I mean, it’s just such– It’s a godsend. I can grow my pubes out, it’s– Look at this. (picks up tub of icecream) See this ice cream? It’s been sitting out here for an hour. You wanna know why? Watch this, baby. (she tips the tub up like a cup and drinks from it until it’s empty)
(all chanting) Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my God! Woo! (belching) Whoa! (laughing) (farting) Oh, whoa.
Arquette: Hilo! (all laughing and waving napkins against the fart)
Louis-Dreyfus: (sits down, looks around, comes to a decision) All right. You know what’s next. Let’s go do this thing.
Schumer: Where are we going?
Fey: To do the ritual. (Schumer looks grim)
(Carrying champagne flutes, they walk over to the nearby lake where there is a neatly painted rowboat, Louis-Dreyfus starts to climb in)
Fey: And then we put her in the boat and we push her out into the water and we drink champagne to salute how fuckable she was for so many years. It’s nice.
Louis-Dreyfus: (looks around the rowboat, the camera zooms in on carved words saying “Sally Field Wuz Here”) Yeah, It’s really nice.
(They all clink their champagne flutes) Cheers! (drinking and laughing)
Schumer: And where is she going?
Schumer: Wait, what? (Fey turns around armed with a drawn bow and a flaming arrow)
Schumer: Tina, no! (Louis-Dreyfus leans forward with a cigar in her mouth and lights it from Fey’s flaming arrow)
Arquette: Seriously, relax. She’s just going to her house.
Louis-Dreyfus: (rowing away) I got clothes that I’ve gotta get out of the dryer.
Fey: (exhaling while looking at smartphone) Okay, I was right. She’s an actual baby lamb.
Arquette: (sentimentally) Aaww.
Schumer: (sentimentally) Aaww.
Louis-Dreyfus: Can I see it? (Fey holds smartphone out towards her as she keeps rowing)
Louis-Dreyfus: (sentimentally) Aaww. Good for them.
Arquette: I’m out.
Fey: Okay, bye, I’ll see you. (kisses Arquette farewell, keeps tapping smartphone while Arquette exits)
Schumer: What are you doing?
Fey: I’m just gonna, um, (pats Schumer on shoulder) go home and wax my beard.
Schumer: (touches chin thoughtfully) When does that start?