Via girliejones, a wonderful Buffy/Twilight crossover that asks: What if Edward Cullen had picked Buffy instead of Bella?
“You know, being stalked really isn’t a big turn-on for girls.” Video is below the cut.
Categories: arts & entertainment, gender & feminism, media, violence
The 62nd Down Under Feminists Carnival 
Our best sign yet that we are doing something right. 
Hoyden About Town 
“You know, being stalked really isn’t a big turn-on for girls.”
I really wish we could see more pop culture putting out this message, instead of propping up the much more popular lie that it is.
Also, I now love Jonathan McIntosh, and will go to see any movie/TV show/video they give him the chance to make. In a totally non-stalkery way, naturally.
Magnificent. And more seriously, what orlando said.
That made me fall in love with Buffy all over again 🙂
I haven’t watched either Buffy or Twilight, but now I wish that such a movie did exist, and I’m definitely going to have to re-think not watching Buffy.
Ah, buffluff. 🙂 And so fucking refreshing after Twilight! You’re totally right, Orlando, it’s a bit sad to feel like the representation of relationships between men and women took a slip back into yucksville after Buffy (not that the relationships depicted there were unproblematic, either, but they were at least more complex than the teen infatuation between Edward and Bella…). Nice work, Jonathan McIntosh!
Oh, YES.
Don’t suppose anyone has a few minutes to transcribe this? I’m a little overwhelmed with Life right now.
That is so awesome.
I was doing a Buffy rewatch last year, and against my better judgement didn’t skip the episode called ‘Helpless’, which I hadn’t seen before. I figured nothing good was going to come out of a title like that, and I was so badly upset by it that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch an episode since. Thanks for the reminder that men hate me, Joss.
So I’m glad to have this to remind me that I generally love this show so very much. Thanks for the post!
OH, Helpless, I can’t stand that episode. That was one of David Fury’s.
Oh gawd, he wrote Fear Itself and Primeval, too.
…of course. That just figures. And that … pretty much covers all the episodes where we have to be reminded that Men! Control! The World! And don’t you forget it, you uppity Slayers.
That’s interesting. Thanks for pointing that out; I hadn’t thought to look at the writers.
Those episodes hardly endorsed that! And wasn’t “helpless” about how Buffy’s strength wasn’t limited to her super powers?
Nice pwning of the creepiness of Twilight, though.
A whole bunch of spoilers for Helpless, Fear Itself and Primeval below, and possibly further in comments, I guess.
Helpless: In which Buffy feels betrayed by her biological father, whose validation she desires, in which Buffy IS betrayed by her father-figure Giles, in an incredibly creepy way – hypnotism and drugs, to make her vulnerable – in which Buffy is set up by the council of men who think they own or control her, in a situation where she is likely to be raped and killed, because they feel she needs to “prove herself” to them. In which the council apparently makes a HABIT of locking frightened, drugged women up with a serial rapist and murderer with an overt hatred toward women. Which, as she is one of the few Slayers to survive as long as she has, seems more stupid than most plot lines – let’s kill off the successful ones! In which Buffy’s mother is kidnapped and threatened, graphically, with rape and murder. In which Xander gloats and gloats and GLOATS about how great it is that he doesn’t have to feel outclassed by a girl for an episode, and meanwhile, Cordelia is being sexually harassed (possibly assaulted, I don’t recall). That episode is slime from beginning to end, and reads to me as if it is a writer “punishing” Buffy for daring to be stronger than the men around her. She beats them all in the end, of course, but I don’t know how that episode could have been more awful if it tried.
Fear Itself was actually not the episode I was thinking of, so I retract that comment. I was thinking of Halloween, in which Buffy’s strength is once again taken away. But, not written by David Fury, so the point doesn’t hold.
And any of the arcs dealing with the origin of the Slayers … okay. Young woman kidnapped and chained to a post in the circle of men, who then change her against her will, and then spend the rest of time controlling her and all future Slayers. It’s creepy as hell.
Jet, at the risk of falling into a Dollhouse-esque “but it’s meant to be creepy” argument, I do think the driving point behind all of those examples is that the woman’s sheer strength of character always overcomes the, ostensibly much more powerful, patriarchal forces lined up against her, and I’ve always thought of that as a terrific message to see put out there.
Because it’s that awesome, a transcript. (Gratuituous Shatnerian pauses in Edward’s dialog removed for the sake of brevity.)
Alarm clock ringing.
Buffy wakes up.
Buffy takes milk out of fridge.
Buffy steps out of car.
Buffy walks down hallway at school.
Buffy: Not late. Not late till the bell rings.
Edward opens door.
Buffy sees Edward.
Edward walks down hall.
Buffy: Uh oh.
Edward smiles.
Teacher at chalkboard.
Teacher: Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense….(lecture continues through remainder of scene)
Buffy sits at desk. Other students stare at her.
Edward: Hello.
Buffy shakes head.
Edward: I’m Edward Cullen.
Buffy looks around suspiciously.
Edward gives intense look.
Buffy turns back to front of class.
Edward storms out.
Teacher looks annoyed.
Buffy sitting with friends in cafeteria.
Willow: So, spill. What was that all about?
Edward sits at another table.
Buffy: Nothing serious, I think.
Willow: It looked like more than that to me. He got all googly eyed.
Buffy glances over at Edward.
Edward stares at Buffy.
Buffy: Survey says, vampire.
Willow cringes.
Thunderstorm.
Buffy walks down hallway at school. She turns as someone speaks to her.
Edward: I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m just trying to figure you out. You’ve very difficult for me…
Buffy: I’m the slayer.
Edward: Um.
Buffy: SlayER.
Edward closes eyes in confusion.
Buffy: Chosen one. Look it up.
Edward turns and walks away.
Scenes at party.
Buffy sits by herself.
Edward: You know I’m on a special diet.
Buffy: What are you doing?
Edward starts to speak.
Buffy: Here. At this table. Talking to me, like we’re some sort of talking buddies.
Edward: I feel very protective of you.
Buffy turns away.
Edward: Don’t leave.
Buffy walks away.
NIght at Buffy’s house.
Buffy answers phone.
Buffy: Hello.
Edward (on phone): You and I are gonna go somewhere.
Buffy: What?
Edward: Alone.
Buffy: No.
Edward: I’ll do whatever it takes. I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Buffy hangs up phone.
Buffy and Willow sitting on a couch together.
Willow: Well he, he actually told you, he said, “I love you.”
Buffy: Well, I didn’t let him get that far.
Willow: Buffy, I’m really worried. These things can become pretty twisted.
Buffy drinking from water fountain at school.
Edward: Hi.
Buffy turns.
Edward smiles.
Buffy glares at Edward.
Edward: Well, nobody’s…
Buffy: Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me.
Edward: Women.
Edward walks away.
Sunset.
Buffy walks down street alone at night.
Edward follows her.
Buffy stops, knows someone is behind her, and keeps walking.
Buffy: You know, being stalked isn’t really a big turn-on for girls.
Edward gets in car and drives away.
Buffy sleeping in bed.
Edward looks at Buffy.
Buffy wakes up and sees Edward in her bedroom.
Buffy: Get out.
Edward: I like watching you sleep. It’s um, it’s kind of fascin…
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head first.
Edward: Well I just want to try one thing.
Edward is thrown head first out a window.
Buffy looks out after him and pulls a stake from a drawer. She sticks in in her sleeve and climbs out window after Edward.
Buffy running after Edward.
Edward sees her and starts to run from her.
Buffy stops to look around, doesn’t see Edward.
Edward drops in front of her.
Edward: As if you could outrun me.
Edward jumps up into tree.
Edward: It’s you, your scent.
Buffy: Didn’t anyone ever tell you the whole smelling people thing’s a little gross.
Edward: You’re like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.
Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?
Edward: I’ve killed people before.
Buffy: And you’re sure this isn’t just some fanboy thing, cause I’ve fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Edward: I wanted to kill you.
Buffy pulls out stake.
Edward: I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life. Are you afraid?
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
Buffy and Edward fight, bodies fly through windows and get thrown into walls, kicking, stabbing with stake, etc.
Buffy stabs Edward.
Edward disappears into mist.
Buffy walks through graveyard.
Music: I seek you out, flay you alive. One more day and you won’t survive. And I’m not scared, of your stolen power. See right through you anyhow.
I love this thing. Also pretty funny is this one:
https://www.youtube.com/embed/daTTOyu-E1w?version=3&rel=1&fs=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&wmode=transparent
Twilight (with cheeseburgers).
Love it. I hate both Cedric and Edward, so I’m glad to see them both dead 🙂