The Urge

When my youngest was still little and we were down the street I would often see mothers with two children in school uniform and a new babe in her arms. “Did they forget what it was like?” I used to wonder to myself. Now I wonder no more (no there will be no new babe in arms for me). Karma has caught up with me and the desire to have ‘just one more’ is incredibly strong. Because of reasons it is not a desire I will be pursuing, but just the strength of it has caught me entirely by suprise. I’ve been reflecting on this desire and I think it is partly because my youngest is heading to school next year (gods help us and the school) and leaving the small child phase forever. This morning we visited school to drop her brother off for his first ever school camp and she followed him around as he proudly showed her ‘her school’. In her arms was a plush puppy dog and she looked so young, far too young to be there (she is 5). I think her first day of school will be harder on me than her brother’s, because I could be proud for him becoming a ‘big boy’ because I still had my baby. Now my baby is going to be at school and there will be no one following after. I wonder how my Mum feels about her baby turning 40 soon? I fear that day will come all to fast too.



Categories: Life, parenting

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7 replies

  1. I remember that urge all too well once my two were both at school. I was so proud of their growing independence, but so nostalgic for the continual close snuggling of their infancy. If I hadn’t had two very nasty bouts of PND after each of them I might have even given into that urge, although I also have ethical-sustainability reasons for stopping at 2.
    I was at the Chinese Gardens at Darling Harbour today, and there were ducklings, and I remember how excited the kids used to get whenever we saw baby animals of any sort, and there weren’t any real little kids there to show the ducklings to. I still miss that wide-eyed gleeful wonder. That’s probably one of the major things people enjoy so much about little grandkids.

  2. Awww don’t say this stuff.. I am too vulnerable to it. Haha.

  3. As the parent of a child who died in infancy, I confess my immediate response to any angst about growing children is to point out that children growing up is infinitely better than the alternative.

    But when I can move beyond exhorting people to count their blessings, I acknowledge that it is a significant transition and wish you well in managing the urge, moving on and enjoying the time before your youngest starts school.

  4. @Sunset, I am sorry for your loss and thank you for the reminder. I am aunty to a little one who will never grow up, but I don’t presume to understand what that is like for her parents.

  5. @Sunset – as a mother my heart aches for what you must have gone through! I’m so sorry.
    @ Mindy – the ‘urge’ comes and goes. To me it wasn’t connected to my son growing up – I was totally happy with all of that, and he’s now 14 – it was more when I got involved with my now partner, particularly when I first saw him hold his newborn nephew and my uterus did the cha cha. And you know, chubby little hands grabbing your face to make you look at them while they earnestly explain something is very very endearing.
    I went through a good 6-12 months where my uterus was like BAYYYYYYYYYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn’t see miniature clothing without conjuring names. We decided not to, and I honestly think that decision is all ‘for the best’ but I can still get knocked sideways now and again – watching my partner hold a baby and seeing him go all mushy will trigger it off.
    Just last night I dreamt I’d been looking after this small baby on a temporary basis and had finally done what I knew needed to happen and sought out adoptive parents for him (I guess I was fostering him or something). To my astonishment when I ‘explained’ to this baby (small, bald, not old enough to talk) he said ‘But..I WANT to stay with you’ and looked all sad and confused. I was startled that the tiny baby seemed to have an adult’s ability to converse, but I instantly went ‘Well. My partner is resistant but I WANT to keep this baby and look after him, so he’s just going to have to come around’. Haven’t shared that dream with my partner as yet. Might need to pee on a stick soon just to reassure myself that I’m not pregnant.

  6. Thanks tigtog, Mindy and doubleantandre.

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