Came across this interesting article via a friend’s FB feed.
Thankfully I have not been on the dating scene for some time (and touch wood this continues) but I found it fascinating how something as simple as paying a bill for a meal can say so much.
Categories: Culture, gender & feminism, Life, relationships
That was a good piece. That date’s creepy behaviour was a big red flag.
I had two first dates end that way last year. One guy just went ahead and paid like I wasn’t there. The other guy actually argued with me about it.
Suffice it to say, these were both first and last dates.
I’ve been on a “date” (he saw it as one, I didn’t and said so right at the beginning) where we have split the bill, but the guy was still a creep. But yeah, not-bill-splitting is definitely a red flag for people who don’t respect your automony. Nice article.
I should seriously just *stop reading* today. I’m working myself up into quite the fury. Listening to guys dismiss women, mischaracterise feminism and then say ‘Sorry my genitals got in your way’. Reading the comments after the article you linked to which seem to be half supportive, half ‘What are you KIDDING? He was just trying to buy you a MEAL!!’, reading the link to the ‘Who Will Rape Me’ post and getting even more depressed, then reading a link on a friend’s facebook page to http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2012/apr/03/behind-anti-anti-bullying-backlash – an excellent article on anti-anti-bullying lobbying in America and then seeing a ‘friend’ of the friend who linked to it saying ‘I don’t want to be around to see how hypersensitive the next generation turns out’. May I say on behalf of all ethical, compassionate people “Good. We won’t miss you.” Why are people SO invested in covering over power relations and justifying hateful attitudes?
And, it seems, while I am stopping the reading I should also stop the talking. In recounting the interaction above (the “I don’t want to be around to see how hypersensitive the next generation turns out” comment, my boss ‘informed’ me that it was without a doubt ‘true’ that the next generation will be ‘handbags and princesses’. By which he presumably means that boys will be ‘feminised’ and society will collapse on account of there being no manly men dickswinging, chest thumping and beating the crap out of anyone with an emotion. “Fact”. I declined to ask his opinion on the article above.
When I’ve explained this theory to male friends, they become immediately defensive. “He meant well!” “He was just being nice!” “He would have stopped if you hadn’t smiled as you said ‘no’—if you hadn’t appeared to be cute about it. If you hadn’t seemed so wishy-washy about it.”
Well that one is galling. Especially the immediate presumption that she must have been wishy-washy, or cute.
Oh! I hate the “bro code” look. Sometimes I’ll watch it happen even when the guy I’m with is totally on board with my offer to split the check or my offer to pay entirely. (I’ve done a lot of dating/partnering where we operate on the principle that if Person A suggests going out, that is also Person A’s implicit offer to pay — which works for me.) Every once in a while, there will be this look like, “Ah, I see you are indulging her silly pink ladyego by letting her pay! How clever of you for the pants-getting!”
It’s kind of gross.
@Sunless Nick: I completely agree. The idea that women “just need to be (extra, super, incredibly) clear” in order for their word to be respected is so reductive and untrue.
I honestly believe that my epitaph will be “Words mean things!” Because they do, even if I’m not complying with what a default human wants me to do. The “you must have been too smiley and cute about it!” rubbish is just an easy way to avoid a woman’s refusal to comply. It “leaves room” for the “negotiation/bargaining” and/or the “correct result”.*
*A terribly vomit-inducing sentence to write!
I read this article to a male friend of mine and said something like “What a tosser, hate men like that.” He said “As if any man would be brave enough to speak like that to YOU, Holly.” I don’t know entirely what he means, but I’m taking it as a compliment.
@doubleantentre: no wonder you want to stop reading and listening after that comment from your boss. I feel shakey rage just reading your comments and could sense your that you were verging on blackout rage as you typed them.