Gratuitous Awesome: Stone the crows! It’s Star Wars Down Under!

Trailer for Star Wars Downunder. Star Wars Downunder is a 30 minute Star Wars fan film which finally answers the age old question, that has confounded many a film buff before: What would happen if you crossed Star Wars with an Australian beer commercial. Answer? Star Wars Downunder: an epic tale of the good, the bad and the thirsty.

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Transcript courtesy of Mary and Amara, with a few scenery description details added by moi (tigtog)

(The wise old alien mate, whom I have chosen to call Cobber since he’s not named in the trailer, is wearing traditional Australian stubbies and singlet, and probably has thongs on his feet if only we could see them)


(sound of aircraft landing)
[Merve walks down the landing ramp and surveys the desert landscape]

Cobber (voiceover): Well, well, well. Look what the flamin’ cat’s dragged in. I always knew you’d be back Merv.

Merv: Flamin’ ‘ell!


[Merv walks up to a stranger]

Merv: G’day! Merv Bushwacker!

(light sabers swish)

Merv: I’m a Jedi.

Ocker Solo: Get yer hand off it mate.

[Cobber’s bush camp]

Cobber: Wake up to yerself Merv. You’ve been away too long. The drongo’s taken it all.

Merv (looking around an eerily empty brewery): Bugger me!


[shots of Drongo’s troopers attacking pubs and breweries]

Ocker Solo: (voiceover): Darth Drongo. Trashed all the pubs and racked off with all the amber fluid. No bugger knows why he does it.

Merv (voiceover): Let’s stop buggerizing around fellas. This bloke’s really startin’ to brown me off.

(aircraft noise)

[back in the bush]

Cobber: I’ll tell ya what, I know these rebel blokes.

Cobber (voiceover while men in red overalls attack Drongo’s troopers with fliers and lasers): You mighta rocked up just in time to stick it to Drongo.

(rising music)

Bearded Rebel: Get out of it ya mongrels!

(music and shots fired)

Merv (to Ocker Solo): We’re going in tomorrow mate.

(aircraft flying)

Cobber: We’re gonna need more than you and that thing hangin’ off ya belt to get us in.

(music, aircraft noise and shots fired)

(rising music)

[attempting to retake the brewery]

Drongo: Merv the Bushwacker. You no-hoper. Look at ya! Hopeless!

[back at the rebel camp]

Cobber: She’ll be right mate.

(rising music)


[in a quiet field somewhere]

Cobber (to a very similar-looking alien with long flowing hair): You’re a dead-set spunk!

(rising music)

[on a cliff overlooking the battle]

Unnamed Rebel: He’s gonna take the bolt now, it’s flamin’ over!

[back in the brewery, something out of our field of vision rises to confront Cobber]

Cobber: Oh sweet buggery.

(rising music)

(spacecraft noise)

[Merv finds a stash of beer]

Merv (lifting high an ice cold can of beer): It’s cold, it’s frosty, it’s beautiful!

Merv: Stop this madness now ya boofheads!

(rising music)

[Merv staring at Drongo?, holding his light sabre hilt high]

Merv: I have had a bloody gutful!

(light sabre sound)

(soft music over credits)

Voice Off 1: So what do ya reckon?

Voice Off 2: Oh yeah…

Categories: arts & entertainment, fun & hobbies

Tags: , , ,

14 replies

  1. Totally awesome!
    Feels kind of right I’m watching that from Queensland. 🙂

  2. That was indeed awesome. I came across this Star Wars related thing recently too. Be warned that it’s very long, but it is really funny…

  3. I would have been enjoying a Star Wars related thing (William Shakespeare’s Star Wars to be precise) this week but Mr11 stole it the day it arrived from Book Depository and took it away with him on the school Canberra excursion.

  4. Oh no! Does imagining him morphing the Bard’s Star Wars insights into interminable bus songs mitigate the pain at all?

  5. Ah! What a thing of beauty that would be. I’m not sure he has it in him though. I did wonder if the book might turn out to be a first encounter with Shakespeare for some of his friends, but then I remembered that they all did a performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in Year 2 drama class.

    • They won’t remember that, though – my kids only just remember two years of choir in Years 2 & 3 – a weekly session in which I was one of the choir leaders!

  6. Apparently the DVD version has an easter egg of both sides pausing during the climactic battle to watch a streaker.

  7. Of course we did the ‘movie as beer commercial thing’ back in the 70s with ‘Barry McKenzie Holds His Own’. Barry Humphries claims in the extras to my DVD of McKenzie that ‘Fosters never paid us a cent’ which I assume means they just got plied with heaps of free grog 🙂

  8. Hello,

    The little creature you refer to as Cobber is called Nugget and Ocker Solo is called Burko.



    • Thanks for the correction, Bryan! It’s getting late, so I probably won’t update the transcript until later in the week, but it will happen.

  9. Have we ever had Marcia Lucas as a Hoyden of the Week? It sounds like she contributed a lot to what made the original Star Wars great, and George Lucas is busy erasing her contribution.
    Very long, but the other online articles tend to link back to this.

    • Very interesting, Aqua. Would you like to write up an outline of her work and the erasure of it for us as a Guest Post?

  10. AotQ – that explains a lot about the later SW films. He really needed her input on those.

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