Reading an old thread about self-proclaimed “nice guys” who refuse to take no for an answer in casual social situations and who are then affronted by women not trusting them to respect their wishes in more intimate situations, I realised that we had thrown around the idea of a bingo card in comments. Taking some of the suggestions from that comment thread and rounding it out with a few more thoughts, here is my first attempt.
Of Course You Couldn’t Really Truly Rather Not Talk To Me BINGO CARD
- How do you know you won’t like me?
- Just give me a little smile, eh?
- But maybe we were meant to be together
- Aren’t you lucky I’m here to talk to?
- It’s very rude to just ignore people
- If only you’d talk with me you’d know I’m a nice guy
- But if my dad never spoke to my mum, I would never have been born!
- You looked lonely, I’m just doing you a favour
- A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be sitting alone
- You don’t mind me sitting here, do you?
- It costs nothing to be a bit friendly, you know
- Let me walk with you
- Too good for me, are you? Bitch!
- Pretty girls like you shouldn’t be sitting alone
- You’ll like me once you know me better
- C’mon, all I want to do is talk
- What’s wrong with you, all I want to do is talk!
- But I’m not trying to creep you out or anything
- She’ll have what I’m having (you’ll love it)
- You don’t really want to be alone, do you?
- Why won’t you give me a chance?
- But you are very pretty
- You can stop reading now, and talk to me instead!
- It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown
- Now I couldn’t leave you here by yourself, could I?
Suggestions for improvements?
ADDENDUM 2011-06-03: some further reading for the lurkers –
Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced
Feminism Friday: How can men express sexual interest in a feminist way?
Categories: ethics & philosophy, gender & feminism, Meta, relationships
On the ethics of ignoring your power: The Feministe controversy 
Hoyden About Town 
Ugh, I get noticeable tachycardia just reading some of those – it’s all so very familiar.
Has anyone reviewed The Gift of Fear here yet? It’s on my to-read list. It talks about the “Pre-Incident Indicators” [copied from Wikipedia]
I reckon that anyone who has ever been targeted by an abuser, emotional or physical, will recognise at least some of these.
How will you ever meet anyone unless you takes a chance?
People get to decide for themselves when they want to take a chance, or not. Somebody who decides for you that you need to give them a chance is being an arse, and certainly makes my “unsafe to be around” antenna twitch.
Sorry, YetAnotherMatt, were you making a suggestion for another square?
I don’t care that you’re gay/partnered/uninterested in a relationship/sex, can’t I just buy you a drink anyway?
I like this one because if you listen carefully, they’re actually telling the truth- they don’t care, they just want their own way.
I actually had someone (a guy I’d met in the middle of the day on a train) pull that kind of line: “Come on…come to my hotel room with me. Life is so short, it can change in a minute”. Yes. Precisely why I said “No thank you” the first time you asked.
A couple of cells seem to be repeated: (row, col) 3,2/4,2 and 3,5/5,4. Maybe you’re okay with that 😛
Ah, those are both closely related but subtly different examples of relevant utterances.
C’mon, all I want to do is talk
What’s wrong with you, all I want to do is talk!
Here the distinction is between the wheedling and the abusive.
A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be sitting alone
Pretty girls like you shouldn’t be sitting alone
You’re not safe even when out with friends. Some pests who will not only insist on interrupting you while you are happily chatting with your BFFs, they will persist in the pestering! Being in the company of other women is considered to be “being alone”.
(I still remember being out on a reunion night with some friends on Coogee beach where we were shooting the breeze and drinking fizz, and some guy came up and interrupted, and one of my friends just said “fuck off, backpacker” and when he kept on trying to persuade us to let him flirt and sparkle for us she just kept on telling him to fuck off. It was so confronting that the rest of us initially froze in shock, but ultimately awesome.)
He’s quite right, in a conversation all he does want to do is talk… but NEVER listens.
And Lauredhel, I’ve read and own a copy of The Gift Of Fear. It is very useful book, and very spot on. There are one or two problematic aspects about it, or rather, about the author’s attitude (it’s been a while since I’ve read it and my brain is slowing down for winter so I can’t remember the details, but I’m fairly certain I’ve seen them mentioned in reviews), but all in all, very good advice.
Oh, and the list of Pre-Incident Indicators reminds me of my new next door neighbour. An elderly woman (from my initial conversation with her and her husband, VERY racist, so I wasn’t disposed to have anything to do with her if I could avoid it), who, during my first few weeks in this place, kept popping over to sticky-beak (under the guise of `seeing how I was settling in’), and as she was standing on her side of my locked screen door, kept saying, “I’m not trying to be nosy, I’m not trying to be nosy”, while rattling the handle of the door… People think that because I have a disability that it’s going to be easy to violate my boundaries. ::sigh:: Only if you physically threaten or overpower me. Took a LONG time to put those boundaries up, though – could have used that book YEARS ago.
“Don’t worry, I don’t bite” perhaps. Though in view of what Lauredhel said, I apologise if a guy posting suggestions gives anyone an ill reaction.
This is pretty similar to some other the ones that are already there, but:
“You want to be alone? Really? Why? You’re reading a book? Really? So you like reading books? Me too! What genre is it?”
Sadly I’m not even exaggerating.
@Kara, we did a whole Friday Hoyden post a while back on the radical act of reading in public. and there’s quite a lot of discussion about people who interrupt to ask what one is reading and who won’t just let one get back to one’s book. I’m just going through the 50+ thread again, and I’m noticing that everybody complaining about strangers interrupting them while reading is female-identified, something that we don’t appear to have noticed 3 years ago.
Here’s one: *smells own armpits; glares*
Yes, it was a suggestion. Sorry about the antenna.
No worries Matt – sorry about the hair trigger!
@Hedgepig, is that one that somebody’s tried on you, or is that your response?
tigtog, something blokes have done when I’ve moved seats because they sat unnecessarily close.
Wow. Just wow.
Can’t think of a specific phrase, but that idea that if you dress a bit differently, or are dressed to go out, that you really crave approval from strangers. And fashion advice.
Oh! Fashion advice!! “I’m not so sure about that hat”. Yeah? I’m not so sure about your FACE!
This post is getting quite a few hits, so I just updated it with this:
ADDENDUM 2011-06-03: some further reading for the lurkers –
Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced
Feminism Friday: How can men express sexual interest in a feminist way?
“Smile!!!!”
“Cheer up, it can’t be that bad”
(in response to a neutral/bland expression on my face as I read a book/looked out the window at scenery)
both said to me by far too many 30-70 year old men as I waited at bus stops, travelled on public transport etc, walked down the footpath, etc.
Ah yes, the old ‘SMILE!’ chestnut. Grr. As a friend of mine who gets that constantly said “I would smile if I felt happy and how I feel is NOTHING to do with you”