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tigtog (aka Viv) is the founder of this blog. She lives in Sydney, Australia: husband, 2 kids, cat, house, garden, just enough wine-racks and (sigh) far too few bookshelves.

24 Responses

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  1. lauredhel
    lauredhel at |

    Ugh, I get noticeable tachycardia just reading some of those – it’s all so very familiar.

    Has anyone reviewed The Gift of Fear here yet? It’s on my to-read list. It talks about the “Pre-Incident Indicators” [copied from Wikipedia]

    * Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn’t really true.
    * Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her.
    * Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible.
    * Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one.
    * Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return.
    * The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, “I promise I’ll leave you alone after this,” usually means you will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited “I promise I won’t hurt you” usually means the person intends to hurt you.
    * Discounting the Word “No”. Refusing to accept rejection.

    I reckon that anyone who has ever been targeted by an abuser, emotional or physical, will recognise at least some of these.

  2. YetAnotherMatt
    YetAnotherMatt at |

    How will you ever meet anyone unless you takes a chance?

  3. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    People get to decide for themselves when they want to take a chance, or not. Somebody who decides for you that you need to give them a chance is being an arse, and certainly makes my “unsafe to be around” antenna twitch.

  4. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    Sorry, YetAnotherMatt, were you making a suggestion for another square?

  5. Keira
    Keira at |

    I don’t care that you’re gay/partnered/uninterested in a relationship/sex, can’t I just buy you a drink anyway?

    I like this one because if you listen carefully, they’re actually telling the truth- they don’t care, they just want their own way.

  6. fuckpoliteness
    fuckpoliteness at |

    I actually had someone (a guy I’d met in the middle of the day on a train) pull that kind of line: “Come on…come to my hotel room with me. Life is so short, it can change in a minute”. Yes. Precisely why I said “No thank you” the first time you asked.

  7. Jason
    Jason at |

    A couple of cells seem to be repeated: (row, col) 3,2/4,2 and 3,5/5,4. Maybe you’re okay with that :P

  8. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    Ah, those are both closely related but subtly different examples of relevant utterances.

    C’mon, all I want to do is talk
    What’s wrong with you, all I want to do is talk!

    Here the distinction is between the wheedling and the abusive.

    A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be sitting alone
    Pretty girls like you shouldn’t be sitting alone

    You’re not safe even when out with friends. Some pests who will not only insist on interrupting you while you are happily chatting with your BFFs, they will persist in the pestering! Being in the company of other women is considered to be “being alone”.
    (I still remember being out on a reunion night with some friends on Coogee beach where we were shooting the breeze and drinking fizz, and some guy came up and interrupted, and one of my friends just said “fuck off, backpacker” and when he kept on trying to persuade us to let him flirt and sparkle for us she just kept on telling him to fuck off. It was so confronting that the rest of us initially froze in shock, but ultimately awesome.)

  9. Book Girl
    Book Girl at |

    C’mon, all I want to do is talk
    What’s wrong with you, all I want to do is talk!

    He’s quite right, in a conversation all he does want to do is talk… but NEVER listens.

    And Lauredhel, I’ve read and own a copy of The Gift Of Fear. It is very useful book, and very spot on. There are one or two problematic aspects about it, or rather, about the author’s attitude (it’s been a while since I’ve read it and my brain is slowing down for winter so I can’t remember the details, but I’m fairly certain I’ve seen them mentioned in reviews), but all in all, very good advice.

  10. Book Girl
    Book Girl at |

    Oh, and the list of Pre-Incident Indicators reminds me of my new next door neighbour. An elderly woman (from my initial conversation with her and her husband, VERY racist, so I wasn’t disposed to have anything to do with her if I could avoid it), who, during my first few weeks in this place, kept popping over to sticky-beak (under the guise of `seeing how I was settling in’), and as she was standing on her side of my locked screen door, kept saying, “I’m not trying to be nosy, I’m not trying to be nosy”, while rattling the handle of the door… People think that because I have a disability that it’s going to be easy to violate my boundaries. ::sigh:: Only if you physically threaten or overpower me. Took a LONG time to put those boundaries up, though – could have used that book YEARS ago.

  11. SunlessNick
    SunlessNick at |

    “Don’t worry, I don’t bite” perhaps. Though in view of what Lauredhel said, I apologise if a guy posting suggestions gives anyone an ill reaction.

  12. Kara
    Kara at |

    This is pretty similar to some other the ones that are already there, but:

    “You want to be alone? Really? Why? You’re reading a book? Really? So you like reading books? Me too! What genre is it?”

    Sadly I’m not even exaggerating.

  13. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    @Kara, we did a whole Friday Hoyden post a while back on the radical act of reading in public. and there’s quite a lot of discussion about people who interrupt to ask what one is reading and who won’t just let one get back to one’s book. I’m just going through the 50+ thread again, and I’m noticing that everybody complaining about strangers interrupting them while reading is female-identified, something that we don’t appear to have noticed 3 years ago.

  14. Hedgepig
    Hedgepig at |

    Here’s one: *smells own armpits; glares*

  15. YetanotherMatt
    YetanotherMatt at |

    Yes, it was a suggestion. Sorry about the antenna.

  16. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    No worries Matt – sorry about the hair trigger!

  17. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    @Hedgepig, is that one that somebody’s tried on you, or is that your response?

  18. Hedgepig
    Hedgepig at |

    tigtog, something blokes have done when I’ve moved seats because they sat unnecessarily close.

  19. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    Wow. Just wow.

  20. The Amazing Kim
    The Amazing Kim at |

    Can’t think of a specific phrase, but that idea that if you dress a bit differently, or are dressed to go out, that you really crave approval from strangers. And fashion advice.

  21. fuckpoliteness
    fuckpoliteness at |

    Oh! Fashion advice!! “I’m not so sure about that hat”. Yeah? I’m not so sure about your FACE!

  22. tigtog
    tigtog at |

    This post is getting quite a few hits, so I just updated it with this:

  23. Cerulia
    Cerulia at |


    “Cheer up, it can’t be that bad”
    (in response to a neutral/bland expression on my face as I read a book/looked out the window at scenery)

    both said to me by far too many 30-70 year old men as I waited at bus stops, travelled on public transport etc, walked down the footpath, etc.

  24. fuckpolitenes
    fuckpolitenes at |

    Ah yes, the old ‘SMILE!’ chestnut. Grr. As a friend of mine who gets that constantly said “I would smile if I felt happy and how I feel is NOTHING to do with you”

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