Marry, Shag or chuck off a Cliff: Boots of Revenge & High Adventure edition

aka the Knocking Boots edition, hrarf-hrarf. It’s been more than a month since the last Marry, Shag or Cliff! For this edition we are revisiting some posts I made nearly two years ago now, regarding some of the cheesier celluloid adventures of decades gone by and the fabulous boots involved therein.

Conan, Flash Gordon, or our Errol as The Seahawk?

Xena (related warrior-woman post), Barbarella, or Uhura?

So – which character’s boots would live in your wardrobe, whose boots could could you pop under your bed for a night, and whose boots would you steal before heartlessly cliffing them? As usual, discussing alternate suggestions for the trilemma, mixing and matching, dissing casting decisions and general booted smut is encouraged. There are some bonus boot pics over the fold.

Now, this time I decided to spare you Sean Connery’s thigh boots from Zardoz without warning, but if you really must, here you go. (It’s not the boots that are actually the problem, it’s the rest of his outfit).

Here’s some bonus Xena screencaps:

I had to struggle with Flynn: I would have shown Robin Hood’s boots in the main shot if I could have found a better quality image, but I don’t have it in my heart to deprive you of the green tights entirely, and you might as well have a bonus Seahawk in-the-rigging shot as well.

To finish, some shots with no (gasp!) boots at all! But you just know that Tarzan would have had killer boots if he could have found some, and I have to (just must) include the Tarzan shots to make sense of the final cheesy publicity photo below. For those unaware, Olympic swimming champion Buster Crabbe played Tarzan in serials before his increasing girth meant that he had to move on to the more covered-up Flash Gordon, and then came the hit Tarzan movies with Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weismuller.

This final shot is of Crabbe and Weissmuller arm-wrestling, all Tarzanily bare-chested, and was part of a series of trading cards handed out at matinee cinema sessions in the UK.

How absofuckinglutely cheesetastic. You just don’t see publicity shots like that any more.

Categories: arts & entertainment

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7 replies

  1. Are no other Hoydenizens into the swash, buckle and zap at all? I am shocked, shocked I tell you!
    Anyway, I would be marrying Errol’s Cpt. Thorpe, shagging Flash and cliffing Conan. Captain Thorpe has by far the best boots.

  2. Are no other Hoydenizens into the swash, buckle and zap at all?

    I admit, I’m not. Conan’s the obvious candidate for a cliff, it’s just tricky deciding on the other two. I’m actually going to go with marrying Flash – interplanetary travel appeals to me, and I get seasick. (I’m choosing to believe that the spaceships have magical stabilising devices.)
    Plus, Uhura rocks.

  3. Conan’s a funny one for me – I loved those movies, and indeed am a huge fan of nearly all of Arnie’s action oeuvre, but I don’t find him sexually appealing at all. Plenty of others do though, by all accounts!
    Uhura does indeed rock. It’s hard to find photos of her that actually show her boots though, as most lenses prefer to focus on the hem of her skirt for some reason.

  4. I keep getting stuck on the “marry” part. Can we not have Shag, Shag senseless or chuck off a cliff?
    I’ll have a shot though – Knockin’ boots must be thigh high so Heloo sailor. Conan’s going off the Big Sur somewhere but what the heck should I do with Flash? I don’t have a pool so he can’t be the pool boy.

  5. c’mon su, it’s not meant to be easy
    Perhaps Flash could use his rayblunderbuss to zap mozzies for you?

  6. Ha! It is a big one isn’t it – a rayelephant gun. If it has a suck function he can do the rug for me. Is that a good enough basis for a long term commitment though?

  7. su, that’s a mental image that won’t leave me for a while – I wish my image-tinkering skills were good enough to play with that one!
    I think he might need to be able to whip up a soufflé with it as well before you made a final decision on the long term commitment.

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