I’ve got the mindless action movie blues

having been sucked into the vortex of a particularly poor example while I work on other things at the ‘puter.

I tell you what, if Our Hero fails to pick up just one more Handy Weapon Sitting Right There Next To The Latest Vanquished Foe, I will tut at the screen most severely.

Categories: arts & entertainment


15 replies

  1. Flick over to the weird and confusing Annette Benning thing on 9 then!

  2. Can. Not. Comply.

    Mesmerised. By. The. Dudeikoff.

    Help. Me.

  3. Sheesh, anyone would think people had better things to do on a Friday arvo than rescue one of their favourite bloggers from square-eyed mind control. Damn good thing the movie eventually ended, and that there was left-over roast lamb to make into sandwiches for lunch to revive me.
    I’ll remember this, you lot.

  4. Sorry, no idea what you’re talking about.

  5. Hey, it’s only Friday Morning on this side of the Great Hemispheric Divide! I can totally save you before evening here! 🙂
    Annas last blog post..Bedtime Stories

  6. Thank you, Anna!
    [orator function: ENABLED]
    [mode selection:POMPOUS]
    Your stalwart fidelity shall not go unrewarded!
    [orator function: DISABLED]
    Sean, it was so bad that I Could Not Look Away, and I badly needed distraction by quips and examples of even worse travesties in action movies.
    In this particular one, the Hero’s modus operandi was to meet each Foe barehanded, disarm them and kill them by placing their own weapon somewhere unexpected, then leaving the weapon lying there before setting off to meet the next Foe. Some special form of high-minded nobility that dealt only with the immediacy of the short term and required utter disregard to the long term utility of sharp pointy things and things that go bang, apparently.

  7. Con Air is my favourite mindless action movie

  8. Some special form of high-minded nobility that dealt only with the immediacy of the short term

    Or Wernicke-Korsakoff’s? Like Memento vs Crouching Tiger etc.
    I come out in spots if I see Nicholas Cage so I’ll go for the Air America in a similar vein to Con Air.

  9. Girlchild and I watched the worst ever romantic movie last night. Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron – I have no idea how they persuaded two actors of this stature to act in this turkey.
    Me: “OK, I know what’s happening now. She’s got a terminal illness.”
    GC: “No, why do you say that, Mum?”
    Me: “Pay attention, GC! She’s a cute, lovable madcap, plus an adorable, Wacky Zany. Now the plot is going nowhere, they’re just doing the Walking in the Park with Vaselined Lens bit. Trust me, she’s got a terminal disease.
    Was I right, or was I right?
    Also, as Mad Magazine described Love Story (the template for these things), it’s the kind of disease where you get more and more beautiful up to the time of your demise (or in this case, up to the time of the unbelievably stupid plot twist.)
    Also in the ‘so bad you can’t look away’ category.

  10. Ha! I call it the weapon tree. As in weapons grow on.
    But there’s a deeper coherence. The way you know bad guys are bad guys is that they have weapons when they shouldn’t and use them unsportingly. The way you know the good guy is really good is that he wins anyway, mastering the situation with any weapon or bare hands.
    I like the twist where the villains get hoist by their own petard. That’s some spiffy justice thinking right there.
    Is the romance movie equivalent the one where the star dumps or ignores a couple of pretty decent relationship candidates in a row where you say, wow, that’s dangerously choosy; but in the end, soulmate pops up and all is well?

  11. One of my favourite competent action movies is CliffHanger for exactly those reasons, Carl. Dastardly unsporting villains galore, and heroes with a backstory that doesn’t suck. Not too many sardonic quips, and those that are there tend to be said by the villains and fall somewhat flat. Whenever I catch it channel-surfing, no matter at what stage the flick is at, I nearly always end up watching it until John Lithgow ends up wearing the helicopter.
    Your summation of the romance equivalent rings kinda true – Jane Austen can make that plot work, but most other writers struggle.

  12. OK, I’ve not seen “Cliffhanger” but now I’m gonna haveta. I’ll have to unswear-off Stallone to do it….
    I’ll bet Lithgow looks smashing in helicopter. Although my favorite role for him will always be Dr. Emilio Lizardo in “Buckaroo Banzai.” Which is a pretty good take on the genre, complete with all kinds of preposterous sardonic quipping.
    “Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.”
    Austin’s a great call. You’re right, the plot with real live options is tricky; the usual expedient is to fatally flaw each of the preceding possibles somehow so that the only dramatic tension is whether our hero is going to settle for some chump because she’s too big-hearted and understanding to dump his sorry ass.

  13. You should enjoy it, Carl. Probably Renny Harlin’s best (just nudges out Die Hard 2 IMO), and maybe Stallone’s too, Michael Hooker as the second hero is excellent, and Janine Turner’s character is notably free from girly-germs (except for that scene with the bats, which if I ever meet Harlin I will wish him to explain).
    The big mid-air heist near the beginning is a bit implausible but it’s a great stunt sequence, and after that it really settles down to a solid action film.

  14. oh TigTog – you are up early.
    I have just been reading bloody Laurel Papworth in the Tele.
    She musn’t have any friends, or maybe she started a blog and nobody read it.
    anyhow, I rather enjoy True Lies in the MAF genre.
    mwah mwah

  15. True Lies was pretty good, Dysthymiac. Another over the top helicopter sequence!
    I still have never seen Buckaroo Banzai either, so Carl’s mention reminds me to move it further up my must-see list.

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