The Twilight Before Christmas

via gigglesugar: The Twilight Before Christmas. (Click through for a larger version.) view

Merry Christmas, Hoydenfolk.


Bella (or a facsimile thereof) is standing in a Pacific Northwest forest. There is mood music playing. The camera pans, moodily.

Bella: “You’re impossibly fat. And merry. Your cheeks are *sigh/gasp* rosy red. I know what you are.”

[close-up on a man’s eyes]

Man: “Say it.”

[camera pans up through pine trees. The sun is filtering through. Moody music is moody.]

Man [slightly wider shot, we can see his brown moustache and part of his beard]: “Out loud.”

[Camera pans through the woods, a little faster than before.]

Man: [more urgently] “Say it. ”

[Wider shot. Bella is standing looking into the distance. The man, in a Santa suit, stands behind her, looking at her longingly and moodily.]

Bella: [longingly, still looking away into the distance] “Santa.”

[Santa grabs her shoulders and turns her around to look at him. Moody music is moody.]

Santa: “Ask me the most basic question. What do I eat?”

Bella: “Milk. And cookies.”

Santa [intensely]: “Have you been bad this year?”

Bella {looking a little panicky]: “No.”

[Flash to flashback sequence: Bella is looking at a tableau with a handmade sign reading “Jen’s Twilight Book Report”. Bella angrily sweeps the tableau off the table, and flattens the sign.]

Bella: “I’ve been naughty.”

[Santa looks down, huffs theatrically, starts pacing away. Bella follows him. He leaps into the air, whooshily, then slams down again, panting hard.]

Santa: [gazing off into the distance, anguished] “I’m a giver.”

Bella: [impassioned] “I don’t believe that.”

Santa: “Because you believe the lie. The camouflage.” [turns to look at Bella, yearningly] “I am the world’s most dangerous jolly old elf. Everything about me invites you in.” [self-loathingly] “My beard. My belly. My red suit. Even my three Hos.” [grabs Bella’s arm] “You have to see why I only come out at night.”

[They speed off, inhumanly fast. Bella rides piggy-back style. Whooshing noises and superhero music. Santa finds a sunbeam, stands in it, and opens his red jacket. Magical sparkly fairy noises. He now has a big white beard, moustache, and hair.]

Santa: “This. Is what. I really am.”

Bella: “You’re beautiful. Could you please button your jacket?”

[Pan through forest. Bella is leaning with her back against a tree, Santa leaning up against her.]

Santa: “I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me what you want for Christmas.” [Santa leans in further, compressing Bella.]

Bella: “Ugh – Can’t – Breath – ” [choking noises]

[Camera pans up. Forest. Sunbeams. Mood music.]

[Santa and Bella are lying on the grass. Bella is feeding Santa a gingerbread cookie. Santa closes his eyes and moans in ecstasy.]

Santa: “I’ll be going now.”

Bella: [sits up, shocked] “What? N – Are you serious? No! No!! I don- I don’t even understand what you’re saying! Are you even – is that even English? You – ” [makes unintelligible noises]

Santa: [long-sufferingly] “OK, OK. I’ll stay.”

Bella: “You just can’t leave without giving me a present.”

[Santa pulls a present out of his sack. Bella smiles and opens it. Camera pans up to sunbeam.]

[off-camera] “Socks? Are you serious?”

Categories: fun & hobbies

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5 replies

  1. Merry Christmas etc everyone! Thank espesh to Hoydenistaz for a fab year of blogging.

    Bottle of cleanskin merlot and Meet Me in St Louis on telly. Not the most action packed chrissie eve but jolly in its own way.

  2. Merry Xmas, all! I watched an older Doctor Who special on cable, then some Vicar of Dibley, and now Roger Moore is archly defeating the Russkies for England in a Bond flick. Still got a few pressies to wrap.

  3. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it–this is fab. I got a lot of things, but Mr. Bene got me a Nintendo DS and Animal Crossing! Guess who will have no life?

  4. *snorts*
    Happy holidays. đŸ™‚


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