New Three Musketeers film might just be deliciously dreadful

The official trailer at IMDb makes it look rather like the 70s quintessential-all-star-pudding version (remember Michael York as D’Artagnan?) meets Jackie Chan fight stunts with gratuitous steampunk intrusions (and did I mention that it’s in 3D?).

Except that this film’s D’Artagnan is the relative newbie who plays Percy Jackson, and Orlando Bloom is inexplicably playing the Duke of Buckingham rather than Aramis. Judging by the trailer, Matthew McFadyen’s Athos gets at least one self-deprecating action-hero one-liner off, so presumably there will be more, hopefully in tandem with Ray Stevenson’s Porthos versus Christoph Waltz chewing the furniture as Cardinal Richelieu.

I dunno that Milla Jovovich as Milady will stand up to Faye Dunaway’s portrayal though, arse-kicker though she is – I suspect she’s there more for athletic stunts rather than bantering, and I really do hope for an excessive abundance of banter if they’re going to go the whole herd of hogs, as it appears that they are.

poster for upcoming movie

Who's who?

The all-star-pudding poster is a hoot.

Categories: arts & entertainment, fun & hobbies

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10 replies

  1. I love Milla Jovovich, but … it’s not just Faye Dunaway she’s up against, but Rebecca de Mornay’s awesome-sauce ice-bitch in the 95 version.

  2. Yeah – I can see Jovovich doing excellent ice-bitch actually, but one of the charms of Milady as usually portrayed is her cynical wit, and I’ve never seen Jovovich pull off a character with that attribute. She may surprise me, and I hope she does, but I’m not expecting it.
    Will Gabriella Wilde as Constance be used for more than just decoration? Her lack of experience compared to Racquel Welch in the role back in the 70s bodes for less of the delicious comic clumsiness unless she’s been hiding slapstick skills under a bushel. Still, with her birth surname being the tongue-twisting triple-barrel of Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe and an expensive boarding school education, one presumes she had to develop some sort of sense of humour about life.
    I am definitely not expecting this one to pass the Bechdel test.

  3. …kkelson as Rochefort? Yes, I expect more furniture-chewing to be happening there.

  4. I was hopelessly in love with Michael York as a teen, so I’ll probably be watching it with arms folded and lower lip stuck out! WHERE’S MICHAEL YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN.

  5. “All star pudding poster” means I am now thinking of a slice of steaming sticky date, with little waving arms and legs (in red and black leather) poking out, and Orlando-as-Antonio-Banderas’ eyebrows sticking out. *snerk*
    Perhaps Orlando was deemed too old to appeal to an audeience who thought the Keira Knightley version of P&P was The Best Evar?

  6. I can understand Orlando not being D’Artagnan – he is a bit too old for that role now, and it should go to someone who’ll get the youngsters in.
    I just don’t understand him not being one of the Musketeers. Sure, the Duke of Buckingham in Dumas’ tale is all shiny swashbuckling suave dignity (unlike his real life of one short-sighted selfish screw-up after another but gosh darn King James found him fraffly charming and good-looking), so he gets to be the dashing paramour of the French Queen which should make for some sophisticated cheesecake candle-lit romance scenes to balance out the naively sweet D’Artagnan/Constance scenes, but without a rather large rewrite the Duke doesn’t get the best romp moments, and I like to see Orlando romping.

  7. Mind you, Gene Kelly was 35/36 when he starred as D’Artagnan, and Orlando is only 34…but Kelly was one of the most athletic actors ever, of course.

  8. Mm, lovely buckling swash to wake to on a Sunday morning, thanks tigtog.
    My favourite Orlando role so far has been Legolas so I guess I’m more a trotting along snowbanks kind of woman when it comes to him.

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