What can they reasonably expect?

If you are on Twitter you probably heard about the tweet by @kayserlingere that caused a Twitter storm. If you aren’t, or if you missed it here it is:


#Kaysermaleinsider If a guy invites you over to watch a movie, you should know what they’re expecting

I kid you not someone actually tweeted that, then deleted the tweet when the feminist twittersphere got a little heated about it. I don’t know the full story but apparently they have apologised and made a donation to the White Ribbon foundation.

A few things occurred to me about this, firstly in my day a bloke had to buy you dinner first not just rent a weekly DVD from Video Ezy or order up something from NetFlix (and yes we had DVDs but video was still the norm and Netflix was someway in the future). But seriously, it would seem that the old ‘expectation of sex for something entirely unremarkable’ has not yet died a long overdue death. I don’t have any problem with two people meeting to watch a movie and ending up doing the rumpy pumpy. More luck to them. If you are worked up into an excited lather by some foxy bloke asking you over to watch a movie then good for you, or maybe ‘come over and watch a movie’ is code for ‘lets have lots of sex then veg out in front of the TV with a pizza’ then that is great too. The problem is when only one of you is thinking that.

So, if we agree that expecting someone to sleep with you because you picked up a DVD is going a bit far in the expectation stakes, what then is a reasonable expectation if you have invited someone over to watch a movie?

I have a couple of suggestions:

1. I don’t think it is unreasonable that he expects you to turn up. If you have accepted the invitation then it is only good manners to go, or if your creep meter is going off to find some way of letting him know something has come up. Unless you have discovered he is really creepy and have run like hell.

2. I think it is reasonable to expect that you will make an effort to watch the movie and not spend the entire time texting or fiddling with your iPad.

3. @jeremysear on Twitter said it would be reasonable to expect that you have eyeballs with which to watch the movie.

What do you think is a reasonable expectation from someone who has invited you over for a movie?

Categories: gender & feminism, Life, media, relationships

Tags: , , ,

21 replies

  1. Make that functional eyeballs…
    Also bring snacks.

  2. That, should you have seen the movie before, you refrain from spoiling.

  3. That you are able to get there to see it, ie are not three towns away, with no transport.

    That you have functional ears to listen to it, or he puts the subtitles on for you, then refer back to the functional eyeballs expectation.

    That you might make some conversation before and after the movie, and perhaps at appropriate times during the movie.

  4. Actually, I will add to that, should you know anything about any dietary issues the person has, that you bring appropriate snacks.

  5. I would expect a bottle of wine and/or some sort of snack (preferably cheese).

  6. If a guy asks me to come over and watch a movie with him…
    If he doesn’t know me very well – he’ll be expecting me to keep quiet during the movie.
    If he does know me, he’ll know I pass remarks and make comments (despite Himself’s best efforts to train me otherwise).
    If he doesn’t know me very well, he’ll offer popcorn and expect me to be impressed.
    If he does know me, he’ll offer curry and rice – hottest vindaloo available.
    If he doesn’t know me very well, he’ll try to impress me by putting on a “chick flick”.
    If he does know me, he’ll offer science fiction or action.
    If he doesn’t know me, he’ll expect to watch the movie without subtitles.
    If he does know me, he’ll spend thirty seconds setting things up at the beginning of the movie and save himself two hours of “what was that?” and “what did X say?”
    If he doesn’t know me, he’ll expect me to say “yes” to the offer.
    If he does know me, he’ll expect me to say “no” unless the movie is one I already know.
    If he doesn’t know me, he’ll be expecting to be able to get his end away at the end of the film.
    If he does know me, he’ll also know that the hour or so after a film is the time when my fic-brain takes off in twenty different directions at once, and he’s going to be treated to all of them in full stereo.
    (I’m not a good person to watch films with, really).

  7. Reasonable expectation? That I’d turn up when I said I would, not talk through the movie, spill food or drink on the furniture, and accommodate the cat if it decides to sit on my lap.
    (What do you mean, he doesn’t have a cat? That’s it, the date’s off!)
    Apart from all that, don’t you love the way it plays into the idea that heterosexual men cannot be friends with women (whatever the woman’s orientation)? Of COURSE the only reason a man asks a woman to watch a movie/go for a walk/do anything social at all is because he expects and is entitled to get into her pants. The idea that a man could actually, you know, just enjoy a woman’s company is all wrong.

  8. I would assume he’s expecting that I respond to his invitation in order to convey my acceptance or declinature.

  9. Thanks The Kittehs Unpaid Help, you make a good point, the man in question might reasonably expect that you will watch the movie with him, just as he invited you to.

  10. I’d say, if someone accepted an invitation for a movie at my house, I’d expect them to show up as agreed – or if prevented to inform me about the delay/cancellation.
    I’d also expect them to adhere to basic social rules, basically behave inside the norm for house-visit-behaviour. And I’d appreciate it if they made an attempt at making the evening a pleasant one for both of us. i.e. if they acted in a friendly manner. (if you’re feeling that I’m your mortal enemy: seriously, say no instead!)
    That’s about it.

  11. I’m with comment number one – snacks.
    *Maybe* drinks, and possibly even another movie to watch.
    Because sometimes it can be a downer when there’s not another movie selected, and being asked to choose from the owners collection on the spot knowing the owner has probably already watched all of etc, sometimes nothing else seems to quite fit the mood. Well looky here, I just so happen to have brought this one along…

  12. @ The Kittehs’ Unpaid Help
    I am reminded of a time I was told by a man that men don’t want to/can’t be friends with women they don’t want to sleep with. That the women they ‘are’ friends with, they are attracted to.
    I don’t know how true that is. However it has always stuck with me.

  13. It’s ludicrously false.

    • flanch, it may well have been true for him, but being so sure that it’s true for all men is just buying into the Generalisation Fallacy of projecting from one’s own experience, assuming that the personal is universal.
      Just like women are not a hivemind, men are not a hivemind either.

  14. @ tigtog
    Understand that – it’s not why I posted it.
    “but being so sure that it’s true for all men”
    I certainly don’t buy into it, thus my comment re not knowing how true it is (not stated – for all men. Certainly in my experience it rings true for a sub-set with quite specific beliefs and behaviour traits). Rather, I found it interesting that he made such a comment, which I found said more about him than anyone else.
    It stuck with me because of the type of person *he* was. He was an immature, overt women-hater.

    • flanch, my phrase was meant to read “[him] being so sure that it’s true for all men”, not meaning that you were holding that belief.
      I suspect we’re in furious agreement.

  15. I have the same suspicion.

  16. @ tigtog

    Heh 🙂

  17. flanch – sounds like he’d flown straight through NiceGuy(TM) territory into MRM Jackass Land.

  18. Well I would say if people are going to expect me to have sex with them, I might start assuming that they are giving me their iPhone, I mean they should know what I am expecting right?

  19. I think it’s reasonable to expect that you may have some discussion over which movie you will watch.

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