Today’s Pravda brings us: “Every woman has five reasons to recover her virginity”, a three-page promotorial for hymenoplasty surgery. No longer merely a tool for fooling hapless hubbies, revirginisation is the new sexual empowerfulment for the noughties.
In fact, a woman cannot be equipped with a new hymen ““ the thin, ring-like membrane partially covering the opening of the vagina. However, today’s plastic surgeons are very good at bringing back a “virgin-like” quality.
What’s a “virgin-like quality”? Apparently, it’s being in serious pain and bleeding like a stuck pig when you have penis-in-vagina sex. Cos guys dig that.
The technique requires a highly qualified plastic surgeon. Besides, a patient must have at least some traces of her hymen available for restoration. Therefore, the procedure would be out of the question for women who had numerous sexual relationships.
“You’re already roooooned, women of easy morals and useless, cavernous vaginas.”
It is worthy of notice that the result is not meant to last long since doctors will use dissolvable stitches to reconnect the skin membrane that once covered the opening of the vagina. The procedure is best to perform less then a couple of weeks before your next intercourse, otherwise your “brand-new” hymen may fall to pieces before the time is ripe for penetrative sex.
“Friction and someone else’s bodily fluids on a fresh surgical wound! How jolly and refreshing!”
The other type of hymenoplasty is referred to as alloplant hymen restoration surgery. It is performed if the hymen cannot be restored. The operation involves the insertion of a tear-through biomaterial, which will act as a patient’s hymen.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Implantable bionic hymens.
Some ladies are reported to have themselves “revirginized” several times in order to return, in a flash of additional pain, to their deflowered state.
“Recurrent revirginisation: it’s the new hobby sweeping the nation.”
Hymen repair surgery aims to enable a patient’s sexual partner to have “that thrilling conquest” normally associated with the wedding night. As a rule, patients are warned straightaway that they are likely to bleed more and feel greater pain during the subsequent intercourse, compared to blood loss and pain caused by the original act of deflowering.
Indeed, Marina’s second “wedding” night was a rather painful experience for her. On the contrary, her boyfriend enjoyed every minute if it.
“Women’s suffering and blood has always been deliciously sexy, and this is no exception.”
And the “five reasons”? You were dying to know, right?
Five reasons why women may seek out hymenoplasty
1. Hymenoplasty as a way to deceive one’s sexual partner and loved ones.
Many women seek this procedure in an effort to appease religious, cultural and social beliefs. A woman may seek it out prior to her wedding in order to make her sexual life nondescript and not the talk of the town. In a time long past, a bride’s hymen being intact was the only way of determining her chastity. However, religious people and feminists tend to refer to the procedure as a form of deception.
“But only those fringe nutters see it that way. For everyone else, it’s good wholesome bloody fun.”
2. Regaining maidenhood lost before matrimony
It is widely known that the hymen can be ruptured by nonsexual activity e.g. dancing, horseback riding and athletics. Accidents involving a fall or the improper use of a tampon can also result in a tear.
“The improper use of a tampon”? Like, say, putting it in your vagina?
Some women were greatly disappointed at their “first time” or suffered trauma or found “someone special” to whom they would really like to give up their virginity.
Heck, I know I was. I was expecting to be climbing the ceilings and begging for morphine. Instead, it was fun. I’m a failure as a woman.
3. Making a fresh start
Hymenoplasty could be recommended to victims of sexual assault, “sex on booze” etc. Patients in this case are usually advised to seek psychological help prior to having surgery. The procedure should not be performed on a woman who has just suffered a severe psychological trauma.
“Because the bestest, BESTEST things that could happen to a rape victim is her next sexual experience being screamingly painful and involving pools of her blood! Whee! Retraumatisation is so therapeutic!”
4. Enhancing the feelings of sexual gratification
Some women undergo surgery to please their husbands and partners. They want to “lose their virginity” all over again to celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary in a very special way. Others have their hymens stitched back together to receive and give more pleasure when making love.
Again, women’s pain and blood = teh sexxxay.
5. For professional reasons
Vaginal surgery seems to have become all the rage among ladies of the evening. The reasons are obvious: a customer can pay a pretty petty for a night with a “virgin.”
I think the author may have missed the bit about how “the procedure would be out of the question for women who had numerous sexual relationships.”. Or maybe these are the women who are supposed to choose bionic hymens? “Join the Prostitute 2.0 Revolution!” Gag.
Say, is anyone making virgin-porn? Cos you could just shove a pint-bag of pig-blood up there and have at it. The special effects guys could have a ball.
– Though the risks of infection and fever are minimal, a patient must pay special attention to personal hygiene for at least two weeks after the operation. She must refrain from having a bath, visiting a sauna. Swimming is under a temporary ban too, especially in the outdoor bodies of water or a swimming pool.
“But feel free to have some rape-deprived asshat ejaculate all over it.”