I shared this on my eljay the other day, and thought some Hoydenizens might appreciate it. ‘Tis a conversation I had with my son, known online as The Lad, the other day after school. I wish I could adequately communicate the tone of voice and the flourishes.
“Hi. I’m Doctor Lad.”
“Hi, Doctor.”
“I’m going to have to take an X-ray. Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht. Ohhhhh.” [serious look]
“What is it, doctor?”
“You’ve got a crack in your skull.”
“Will it heal up?”
“I don’t know.” [frowns]
“OK. I’ll just check your temperature.” [gets thermometer out]
[ascending tone] “Zhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” [draws on thermometer up to 42] “Hmm.”
“What is it, doctor? My temperature looks very high.”
“Yes.”
“Am I going to be ok?”
“I don’t know.” [frowns]
“I’m going to have to take another X-ray. Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht. [worried] Ohhhhh.”
“What is it, doctor?”
“You’ve got a crack in your foot. And blood is spreading all around inside your shoe.”
“Will it heal up?”
“I don’t know.” [frowns] “I think so. But you’ll have to spring-clean your shoe.
Now. You need an operation.”
“What sort of operation?”
“A heart operation. But don’t worry. Zzzzzzzzzzzht!”
“What was that?”
“Medicine to make you sleep.”
[I feign sleep]
[Lad thoughtfully chooses an upper abdominal freckle and decides heart is under there.]
“I’m going to need my GRIPPER-CLAW!”
[holds out hand, pretends something has materialised there.]
“Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht. KNIFE! Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht. PLATE! Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht.
I’ve taken your heart out. Don’t worry, you’re still asleep.”
[bends over table, sniffs carefully]
“Hm. [slowly] It’s just as I suspected.”
“What is it, doctor?”
“You have a fever.”
“Am I going to be ok?”
“Yes. You just need some medicine. And then I’ll put your heart back in. Don’t worry, I’ll stitch it up. Cauldron! Magic powder!”
[makes pouring and mixing motions]
“Cauldron, begone!”
[motions back to my chest]
“Where’s your heart supposed to be, again?”
[me: points]
“GRIPPER-CLAW! Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht.
OK. KNITTING NEEDLES!
knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit. You’re all done!”
Categories: arts & entertainment, Life, medicine, technology
Hoyden About Town 
Wonderful!
“Where’s your heart supposed to be, again?”
[me: points]
“GRIPPER-CLAW! Zzht. zzp, zzp, zht.
Hee! That’s adorable!
Yeah knitting!
Adorable.
his bedside manner is excellent: reassuring, answered all your questions, and was willing to say “i don’t know.” better than a lot of other docs out there! 🙂
ladoctoritas last blog post..so wrong on so many levels
Ha, good point!
I found the sudden surprise anaesthetic a little alarming.