Arsevertising*: Will You Be Ready For Your First Time?

Spotted by The Amazing Kim at the movies was this ad for CPR First Time.

[description and transcript below the cut]

As well as the movie ad, there’s a game. At the Facebook page, you can play KickStart My Heart. When you kickstart Gladice’s heart (by clicking on her chest at the prescribed frequency of cardiac compressions), porn music plays, with an “oh my. Oh my. Oh my. Mmmmmm.” soundtrack.

If you stop halfway through, at the end, Gladice’s voiceover, which is a pantomime man-playing-a-woman voice, says “You are just like my husband.” If you do it properly for the full 30 seconds, her voiceover says “Now come and give me a kiss.”

If you choose Bruce, the same porn music plays. If you hit the button at the right frequency, a rough voice says “That’s it… that’s it… that’s it…” and at the end he says “Go on, give us a kiss, luv.” If you don’t do it properly with Bruce, he says “Um – Um – “, and at the end, says nothing.

Because what the world was really missing was overt sexualisation of CPR, writted to seem as gross as possible to the target population (and with all of the sexist, fattist assumptions tied up in that grossout design.)

Cue an outburst of protest about how sex is the best way to get attention for neglected issues, and that if it’s all in the good cause, we should be “supporting” it.

One of the best ways to remember the correct rate of cardiac compressions, by the way? Pump along to the music of “Stayin’ Alive“. Works just right.


We see a young white man, wearing dental braces. He is shot from below, as if we’re a person he’s fucking. He wears no shirt; the shot is cut off just above the nipples. He is pumping up and down about once per second, grunting and groaning. In the background is a block of flats, then the sunny sky. In the sky to the man’s right appears a white cloud on which is standing a young white man in white underwear. To the man’s left appears a cloud of flame, on which materialises a young white man in red underwear.

Angel Dude [sounding anguished and worried]: He’s never done this before! He doesn’t even know her!

Devil Dude [who has a much broader Australian accent, typically marked rural/lower class here]: Nah, it doesn’t matter! First time for everything!

Angel: He’s pushing too hard!

Devil: Nah, he needs to push hard! [makes downward pushing motions with hands]

Angel: Is that the right spot?

Devil :It’s close enough.

Angel: Oooerrr, I don’t think he’s strong enough!

Devil: Of course he is. Anyone can do this!

Angel: She’s not responding! Shouldn’t he do something with his mouth?

Devil: Yeeeah, it could help.

Angel: Might get a disease!

Devil: From her mouth? That’s unlikely.

Devil: Ohhh, that’s it. That’s it.

[Pumping Dude raises his eyebrows as if about to orgasm.]

[Angel and Devil both dematerialise.]

[Pumping Dude peers.]

Devil [voiceover] The Kiss of Life!

[Cut to shot from above. Pumping Dude has his face over a woman in a bathing suit, obscuring her face. There is a breathy [hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa] noise in voiceover.]

[Pumping Dude sits back; revealed is a fat white woman in a black bathing suit with blue ruffled collar, and a blue bathing cap with white daisy decoration. She is spitting out (or vomiting) water. She coughs.]

[Long shot of the swimming pool with many bystanders in swimsuits. There is a round of applause. Sirens sound in the background. A placard comes down, reading “Will you be ready for your first time?”]

* Thanks, Melissa.

Categories: gender & feminism

Tags: ,

8 replies

  1. Because what the world was really missing was overt sexualisation of CPR
    And further support for the “saving someone gives you sexual rights to them” meme.

  2. Exsqueeze me? When did saving lives become such a neglected issue that it required a “sexy” ad campaign to promote it? Heck, when did first aid in general become such a neglected issue at all? I certainly remember learning things like the basics of treating various bites (snakes, redbacked spiders, blue-ringed octopi etc) when I was in primary school (years 4 – 6, to be precise) along with things like the bare basics of mouth-to-mouth and CPR (as a necessary adjunct to same, and demonstrated/assessed on one of those Red Cross practice dummies). I grant you, we were in a relatively newly developed area, and there were a lot of bits of “virgin bushland” (aka large patches of wild oats and black sand) within easy walking distance of the school playground, so it was theoretically possible for one of us to get bitten by something venomous, but even so, it was useful knowledge and something which has stuck with me for nearly thirty years now.
    Oh, and riffing on what Sunless Nick mentioned (regarding the “saving someone gives you sexual rights to them” meme), does this mean there’ll be an upsurge of eager young blokes wanting to score taking jobs as ambos, emergency services workers, cops or fireys?

  3. I should add – lessons in CPR and lifesaving were part of our regular school swimming classes too (again, years 4 – 7 in primary school) as well as the usual annual summer swimming lessons. Was Western Australia in the late 1970s – early 1980s unique in this?

    • NSW in the mid-70s was doing the same CPR/lifesaving lessons, Meg. My kids have had swimming lessons through school, but not lifesaving/CPR lessons.

      Have to rectify that.

  4. And this is why I refuse to donate to the NZ Red Cross, because their television ads for CPR courses featured a guy placing his hands on a woman’s face, leaning forward and then giving the camera a “f@#$ yeah I’m gonna get some” look.
    Combined with a previous KFC ad where someone revives their unconscious mate with a chicken burger after it’s suggested he perform CPR – he gives the camera a disgusted look and says “Get real!”
    Because when a male friend of mine is in respiratory distress I really want to live in a world where another guy won’t revive him because “it’s gay”, or where *I’m* in respiratory distress and no one wants to “pash” the fat chick … or, you know, where trans people like Tyra Hunter f@cking DIE because bloody FIREFIGHTERS refuse to help the “freaks”.
    Shorter QoT: can’t we just bloody help people in need because it’s THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

  5. That is very creepy.
    Another issue with sexualising CPR in this way is that it is already a problem, due to instilled homophobia in masculine culture, that men feel disinclined to provide CPR/kiss-of-life to other men for fear of being seen as “gay” for “kissing” a man. If the act is more strongly associated with sex in their minds (as this ad does) it is not hard to see that problem becoming worse, and the mental barrier harder to overcome.

  6. I couldn’t even watch it all the way through. It made me feel icky all over.


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