Spotted by The Amazing Kim at the movies was this ad for CPR First Time.
[description and transcript below the cut]
As well as the movie ad, there’s a game. At the Facebook page, you can play KickStart My Heart. When you kickstart Gladice’s heart (by clicking on her chest at the prescribed frequency of cardiac compressions), porn music plays, with an “oh my. Oh my. Oh my. Mmmmmm.” soundtrack.
If you stop halfway through, at the end, Gladice’s voiceover, which is a pantomime man-playing-a-woman voice, says “You are just like my husband.” If you do it properly for the full 30 seconds, her voiceover says “Now come and give me a kiss.”
If you choose Bruce, the same porn music plays. If you hit the button at the right frequency, a rough voice says “That’s it… that’s it… that’s it…” and at the end he says “Go on, give us a kiss, luv.” If you don’t do it properly with Bruce, he says “Um – Um – “, and at the end, says nothing.
Because what the world was really missing was overt sexualisation of CPR, writted to seem as gross as possible to the target population (and with all of the sexist, fattist assumptions tied up in that grossout design.)
Cue an outburst of protest about how sex is the best way to get attention for neglected issues, and that if it’s all in the good cause, we should be “supporting” it.
One of the best ways to remember the correct rate of cardiac compressions, by the way? Pump along to the music of “Stayin’ Alive“. Works just right.
We see a young white man, wearing dental braces. He is shot from below, as if we’re a person he’s fucking. He wears no shirt; the shot is cut off just above the nipples. He is pumping up and down about once per second, grunting and groaning. In the background is a block of flats, then the sunny sky. In the sky to the man’s right appears a white cloud on which is standing a young white man in white underwear. To the man’s left appears a cloud of flame, on which materialises a young white man in red underwear.
Angel Dude [sounding anguished and worried]: He’s never done this before! He doesn’t even know her!
Devil Dude [who has a much broader Australian accent, typically marked rural/lower class here]: Nah, it doesn’t matter! First time for everything!
Angel: He’s pushing too hard!
Devil: Nah, he needs to push hard! [makes downward pushing motions with hands]
Angel: Is that the right spot?
Devil :It’s close enough.
Angel: Oooerrr, I don’t think he’s strong enough!
Devil: Of course he is. Anyone can do this!
Angel: She’s not responding! Shouldn’t he do something with his mouth?
Devil: Yeeeah, it could help.
Angel: Might get a disease!
Devil: From her mouth? That’s unlikely.
Devil: Ohhh, that’s it. That’s it.
[Pumping Dude raises his eyebrows as if about to orgasm.]
[Angel and Devil both dematerialise.]
[Pumping Dude peers.]
Devil [voiceover] The Kiss of Life!
[Cut to shot from above. Pumping Dude has his face over a woman in a bathing suit, obscuring her face. There is a breathy [hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa] noise in voiceover.]
[Pumping Dude sits back; revealed is a fat white woman in a black bathing suit with blue ruffled collar, and a blue bathing cap with white daisy decoration. She is spitting out (or vomiting) water. She coughs.]
[Long shot of the swimming pool with many bystanders in swimsuits. There is a round of applause. Sirens sound in the background. A placard comes down, reading “Will you be ready for your first time?”]
* Thanks, Melissa.
Categories: gender & feminism