[Content Note for linked material: Isla Vista mass murders, misogyny, gun culture]
What I think would be helpful for a lot of men to understand (women too probably) is that sex and love aren’t earned. Can’t be earned. They are a matter of grace from the other person. And, because they can’t be earned, whether you are getting sex or love is not a reliable signifier of your value as a human being and aren’t a metric by which one person should be compared to another.
a comment by Doug, on Heartiste takes on an “egotistic, attention starved, solipsistic, passive aggressive, perpetually aggrieved … manlet” who somehow isn’t him. | we hunted the mammoth
Doug’s comments was in response to various predictable tropes emanating from the manosphere following Elliot Rodger’s killing spree and the publication of his “manifesto”. If you’re curious about the details of those manosphere talking points, there are several posts now on We Hunted The Mammoth collecting examples.
In summary, the manospheric misogyny is such that there is no recognition that women are people with interests of their own who tend to respond more positively to others who genuinely share their interests than to those who are only interested in whether they are “hot” enough to impress other men, and that the answer to feeling despair over rejections from women who have quickly deduced that you don’t share their interests is not to learn to fake a shared interest, but to actively pursue one’s own interests that make one a happier person, whether that ends up resulting in finding a sexual/life partner or not.
I’m going to lay out how that works, because people who make money by selling Pick Up Artist scripts to lonely men work hard to persuade those lonely men that life without sex is worthless, and then set up a system where they get to make public judgement on those lonely men’s lack of sexual success because the lonely men report back to the “support group” every week (so that lonely men are paying the PUA profiteers to be their ego-boosting audience). If instead of following their scripts focussing just on how the lack of sex/romance is making you miserable, and you instead pursue other interests/hobbies you enjoy, then (a) you will become a happier person, which is good; (b) you are more likely to meet likeminded people to share your interests/hobbies, which makes them even more enjoyable, which makes you even happier, which is good; (c) happier people are more fun to be around and therefore more socially attractive to others, so you are less likely to be lonely, which is good; (d) people who can be seen interacting happily with friends have more opportunities to be introduced to friends of friends, and broader social circles increase one’s opportunity to meet other people whose company you enjoy, which helps to keep you happier for longer, which is good; (e) (finally) the probability of meeting a likeminded person who is romantically compatible or at least sexually interested is increased (not guaranteed, but increased), which would make you feel more confident about yourself, which will make you even happier, which is good.
To repeat: there is still no guarantee of any of these likeminded persons being moved to grace you with romance/sex/love once you’ve learnt how to be more sociable, but pursuing enjoyment of the company of likeminded people is a fundamentally healthier process than solitary brooding while practising PUA scripts, and in the meantime the benefit of learning to find happiness within oneself and through becoming genuinely interested in finding fellowship with likeminded people just because companionship feels good as its own phenomenon is that you realise that ultimately only you can make you happy, by how you interact with other people.
A final reminder: the FriendZone is a myth.
There is no “Science of Attraction” – attraction is a complex interaction between people which cannot be forced (although it can be faked, but if faked is all you want then you deserve what you get). Companionship/fellowship/friendship is not a second prize, it is the bedrock of our socialisation, and ultimately more important for our emotional health.